overcoming boundaries?
Looking for some outside perspective on a relationship that just hit a wall after 8 years. Need to know if I'm crazy or if this was doomed from the start.
Me and this girl (both 51) have been dating for 8 years. I'm divorced, live in the SF Bay Area, and have two teenage boys (19 and 16) that I've been raising mostly on my own. Work hard, finally finished paying support, run the household, etc. She lives in a multi-generational family house (rooms with her mom, rents from her brothers, shares food/chores with them and her other brother's family). Her living expenses are dirt cheap and she's saved a ton with plans to retire at 55.
From day one, she was firm on boundaries. It wasn't that she didn't want to move in eventually, but she wanted a new smaller place with just me. She has no kids and made it clear she didn't want a stepmother role. She'd only stay over when my kids weren't around (as they got older she'd visit sparsely when they were there, but still kept her distance). I wanted a real partner to share things with, but for 8 years I basically matched her level of investment and kept compromising my own needs just to keep the peace.
Recently, things blew up over something small in my eyes (not hers)—I just wanted to grab a moment with an old college friend. That apparently shook the whole dynamic and caused an immediate blowout on both sides.
A few other details messing with my head:
- She gave a vague "5-year timeline" recently on when she might make a decision to move out, which conveniently lines up with when my kids might be out. But in this high COL area, expecting 19 & 16 yr olds to be fully out just so we can start a real life isn't realistic.
- It kills me that she's been sitting in a low-cost family setup watching me grind non-stop for a decade to raise my boys and keep my head above water, while she protected her nest egg to retire at 55.
- Even if we stayed together, I feel like spite would takeover. She'll be enjoying early retirement while I keep slaving away, since she won't pitch in on expenses that touch my kids (reasoning they already have a mother).
- Years ago, I offered her part-equity in my house so we could lower overhead and build something together. She recently threw that back in my face like it was a selfish cash-grab on my end.
- She had another 10-yr relationship fail before me for similar reasons (she compartmentalized that one too, no kids involved). She's a good person, but her walls are so high she can't let anyone into her actual life.
We're on a "break" right now and I'm leaning towards calling it quits for good. Am I wrong for wanting a partner who actually wants to share a life and help carry some weight after 8 years? And how do I handle ending this cleanly without getting dragged into another circular argument?
Any thoughts appreciated.