r/datingoverfifty

Seems to me dating over 50 is more about FWB than a real relationship, tried several times to get a meaningful relationship but FWB is that women want. What are your thoughts and experiences?

Not going to pretend I'm unbiased here, she's my mom, but I promise this isn't just me being nice. My mom (Marjorie) and her best friend Barbara started a podcast called The Elusive Dick Podcast about dating in your 50s and 60s, and it's been her dream for as long as I can remember. She finally just did it, at an age where a lot of people tell themselves it's too late to start something new, and I think that alone deserves some love.

She is, without a doubt, the funniest person I have ever met in my life! Not "funny for a mom" funny, actually funny! The kind of funny where my college friends tune in every week too, unprompted, because the episodes are that good! Listening to her and Barbara talk through the absolute chaos of dating apps and modern romance after 50 makes me laugh so hard, and honestly it also makes me proud. Watching her put herself out there, both in dating and in doing this podcast is genuinely so inspiring to me!

It's on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube, anywhere you listen. If you're dating in this stage of life, or you just want to laugh with two women who are living it and being hilariously honest about it, give it a listen. I'd love for her to find the audience she deserves, and I think this community especially would get a kick out of it!

I will drop the links in the comments if anyone is interested, but I promise if you give it shot, you'll be hooked!

Apparently the universe read my last post about Dick and decided I needed an entirely different category of dating problem.

Enter Very Nice Man, 50s. Smart, academic, sciency, liberal, country life, dogs, chickens. On paper, alarmingly suitable. So much so that I thought the dating app was issuing compensation for its past transgressions.

Our first drinks date was great. Conversation flowed.

There was only one inconvenient detail: I did not fancy him. Still, attraction can grow. Apparently.

Date two involved being taken to his country club, where I felt mildly as though I had wandered into a lifestyle commercial for a brand that sells gilets. After lunch, on the balcony, he suddenly launched an enthusiastic kiss involving so much tongue I became concerned he had lost a contact lens. On my tonsil. I am not keen on public displays of affection, so while he was presumably experiencing romance, I was mostly wondering whether I could take up golf as an exit strategy.

Still a Very Nice Man. Still no urge to remove his trousers.

Meanwhile, we were clearly on different timelines. I was wondering whether I may eventually fancy him. He was discussing plans for the rest of the summer and potentially going away together over the bank holiday. After two dates.

I told him I liked him but wasn't sure about the spark. He was disappointed but gracious, and we had lunch again. Lunch was nice. He was nice. My libido remained unmoved.

Afterwards I explained that he was going far too fast. He burst into tears. This was not in my contingency plan.

So I hugged him and, in one of the least strategically useful sentences of my dating career, said: “Let's just take it slowly and see where we go.”

What I meant was: please slow down.
What he apparently heard was: activate full subscription service.

The following day I received thirty-six messages. Train. Work. Haircut. Gym membership. Car battery. Roadworks. eBay. Microsoft Teams. Weather. Trafalgar Square. Fridge shelf. Dogs. Cat.

Amid Homer, Dante and the Odyssey came: “Had chicken.”

Thank God. I had been wondering.

By late evening I had also received pet toileting updates and an imaginary monologue written from the cat's perspective. I muted the chat. In my family, repeated late-night phone buzzing means somebody is dead, dying or has been arrested. I cannot wake in panic because somebody's dog has done another poo.

I realised we had very different definitions of intimacy.

His: I like you, therefore you need the live feed.
Mine: I'm delighted your haircut went well, but I did not require confirmation.

So I told him the romantic connection wasn't there and the volume of communication was overwhelming. After several days of receiving the director's cut of one man's existence, I braced myself for the response.

Four words and an emoji. Polite. Gracious. Finished.

He had been capable of brevity the entire time.

So apparently I am now the Goldilocks of middle-aged dating. One thought salmon en croûte entitled him to immediate sex. The next was planning weekends away while issuing push notifications from his fridge.

Somewhere out there is one who is just right.

Probably.

Maybe I’m just old-school, but I still believe in getting to know someone genuinely instead of constantly looking for the next option. I value clear communication, consistency, loyalty, and actually putting effort into something when you care about the person.

It feels like people nowadays are almost afraid of showing too much interest. Everyone wants to play it cool, keep their options open, and act like they don’t care—even when they obviously do.

Personally, I don’t think wanting something genuine and consistent is asking for too much.

Maybe I really was born in the wrong generation 😂

Do you think people used to take relationships more seriously, or do we just look back at the past with rose-colored glasses?

​

Why is meeting people so hard? The apps are truly the worst so I thought I'd give this a shot. I will put all my 'stats' below and what I am looking for. Just trying to be completely honest and cut through the games.

ME (55f)

I have 2 college age children, both are in school out of state.

I have been single parenting for ten years when my husband passed away.

I have a master's degree and work full time, although I have a very flexible schedule.

I own my own home and have plenty of my own money (I'm not uber rich but I don't need your money).

I have lots of friends and a busy life. I have put off dating while my kids were home and now it's time.

I live in a suburb of Boston.

I have many interests and am willing to try new things but in the spirit of honesty, hard core camping and hiking are a no for me. I like to say I am more "outsidy" than "outdoorsy" Also I do not have a dog and prefer a match without a dog.

Happy to answer questions

YOU

You are in my general age range (if I could have given birth to you it's a no thank you and if you are closer in age to my mother than me also no thank you).

You have a job. I don't care what it is but you don't sit around all day

You don't have too friendly of a relationship with drugs, alcohol or gambling

You do not have a prison record or history of restraining orders (the bar is low here!)

You are able to carry on a conversation, talk about yourself and show interest and curiosity in the other person.

You are not married.(Separated ok as long as you are living separately).

That's it! In the end, it comes down to chemistry and if we click...we can look great on paper and it still might not be right. But let's see what's out there!

I’m 55m. One kid who is away at college and one that is going away in September.
I met a 45f, no kids. What I’m describing is not exclusive to her.
I feel like women see my kids age in my profile and feel line”oh he’s done”- women with no kids. Women with kids tend to comment on how they are in similar or near similar situations.

I’ve had 5 dates with this woman and I see a reoccurring theme, my availability. Both my kids are home. One just graduated high school, and one is back from college. My younger one has a good job but the work moves around the city where he sells fruit and produce at stands. It’s at high traffic areas. Downtown- city centres, urban farmers markets. Parking for an 8 hour shift is hard and 40/day.

Here is the common theme, I need to pick him up. He ends at 7. I will propose a 8:30 pm date. This is one example. I have others that may involve my older child as well. Where they may need me
for a logistical reason. I’ll gladly give them the car, if it makes sense. Sometimes it doesn’t.
As I explain this- I feel myself getting annoyed. The common thread is women that don’t have kids- questioning me on why I’m driving or why I’m helping them, when they are 18 and 22. I actually don’t need to justify anything. Being questioned on their independence doesn’t feel great when one will have an MBA and one will be an engineer. They are strong kids, but not perfect. Questioning their abilities actually hurts. Like honestly- if my going them out bothers you just say that. Don’t masquerade like it’s my kids failing when you’re worried about your night time routine.

I don’t question the needs of their dogs and cats. If they say they need to be home at 6 to walk their dog, I accept it. Honestly- it can suck but I knew the game coming in.

Women without kids say they get it, but I actually find they don’t. I’m not blaming them per se. You know what you know.

I see women say that I want someone with no kids. Because kids always have things that come up, then there are grandchildren and that is another burden. Fair, that isn’t false. However they do seem to enjoy Christmas, thanksgiving, Passover ( if you’re Jewish) Ramadan ( Muslim) not alone being along. That is another thing though.

Overall, I respect women, in my case, that have that view of zero kids even older ones doesn’t work for them in their profiles. Full respect. I don’t date vegans.

What I am learning is that there is a disconnect.

When someone says to me on a plane-
Oh god a crying kid, I’m just thinking about the parents that are sweating literal bullets wondering is they won’t be annoying all the people that hate kids as
They can’t get their kids to stop crying. As I said to one woman-if it’s not my kids cry I don’t even hear it. Which is true.
I have been trying to believe that some women without kids don’t have their opinions on how Kids should be and it’s not working and I am actually super disappointed. I think my adult kids ( all kids ) are a feature not a bug 😞

In 3 weeks I have no kids at home but I’ll always have kids.

So, I know the answer will be date women with kids. It just feels a bit….shit as it seems like it shouldn’t be that big of a deal and it reduces the pool size, however I should just not date women without kids I guess.

Edited to adjust last paragraph.

How many men or women actually find people your own age or older deeply attractive? I’m struggling with this. I am the type that either I’m attracted at the outset or it’s just not going to happen. I don’t find many men attractive at all and when it comes to older men it’s even more rare. But I miss genuine mutual desire. So much so I’m contemplating going back to a FWB I had that I know it can’t go anywhere simply because the mutual attraction was undeniable and powerful. I’m pretty but not exactly with an ideal body. I can’t very well expect a man to be different than I am in this. Has anyone been able to go from someone who needed immediate attraction to someone who let it build if there was at least enough physical attraction even it was maybe just a kernel?

Why is it so hard to spare 30 mins (plus dress up and travel times) to meet a stranger in the public place for coffee?

That first meeting can determine if you want to see each other again.

Thoughts?

Is it too much of an ask?

Is it possible to have feelings as strong as when you were young and in love? My feelings didn't seem to be as strong to my last partner, so perhaps she was the wrong one, or i can no longer have strong feelings? There's only one way to find out, and that's by getting out there again.

Hi I am a 51 year old Asian female and I just joined match last night after doing a little browsing the last few weeks. I don’t have much experience online dating so I need some tips from other ladies (gentlemen too!)

I’m hoping to find a serious relationship and hopefully marriage I’m not looking to casually date. What is the best way to protect myself from guys who are only looking for something casual and any dating tips in general. Do people start off with coffee or drinks before having s as more involved date? Ladies do you usually split or does the guy usually pay? At what point do you usually get off the app? Are guys that ask for your number right away usually bad news?

Any red flags I should watch out for? Do you think it usually helps to have a good idea what you’re looking for before you start online dating? And finally should I expect to have to try a lot of people before finding one that fits? Any tips really appreciated

Context - Bumble. My opening line was, "Hello! Nice to meet you."

His response - "Right back at you cutie.. Yum yum."

Instant ick and unmatch. 🤮

Went out with a 68-year-old woman tonight. Very attractive. Great shape. Educated, had a great career. Cordial, gracious, terrific conversation, the whole nine yards.

Halfway through dinner she's telling me about a previous relationships that broke her heart, and mentions the guy stopped dating her because she didn't want to get married, but he did.

Then, she recounted another relationship where the man was completely into her, didn't want to get married but wanted to live together, however, she said no absolutely not I'm not allowing that. 😟

It's right exactly precisely at that moment that I lost interest!

Then, to further confirm my conclusion, she told me she doesn't want a man spending more than a few days with her. She needs her alone time.

So, what is the lesson of this otherwise perfect dinner high a top a mountain watching the sun set over the Pacific blue?

Add the following question to the pre meeting phone interview checklist:

If you don't want to get married again, how do you feel about a man living with you at your place or his?

Oy vey!

Update: I'm in no way suggesting that she doesn't have full rights to whatever decision she wants to make for herself in her best interest.

What I am saying is it doesn't work for me. And in the future, before meeting, I will definitely ask a woman what type of living arrangements she envisions for a future committed relationship.

Posted here for your amusement...

Advice to a Friend on Choosing a Mistress (1745)

June 25, 1745

My dear Friend,

I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness. Your Reasons against entring into it at present, appear to me not well-founded. The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that make the compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissars. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Œconomy, will be a Fortune sufficient.

But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

1. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor’d with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.
2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.
3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc’d may be attended with much Inconvenience.
4. Because thro’ more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin’d to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.
5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.
6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.
7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.
8. [thly and Lastly] They are so grateful!!

Thus much for my Paradox. But still I advise you to marry directly; being sincerely Your affectionate Friend.

Being older and dating again I looked into statistics. Now I'm curious.

I'm 53 and a female. I was married for 30 years. I had a "rebound" boyfriend for almost 3 years, dated one man for a month and 2 FWB men (which have been the most enjoyable...highly recommend. 😅)

So..my total is 5.

I (59m) have noticed that FB dating is a lot different from other apps. Definitely more genuine profiles plus I haven't seen fake profiles and scammers. Also, I have noticed that I have to be picky swiping right or else I end up with too many matches and conversations.
Men: Do you read each profile before swiping?

What differences do you all notice?

I’m (51m) reaching out to see what advice or success stories there may be for those of us working during prime dating hours. Most of the popular online apps are a bust for it. I have no problems getting matches, getting to the first date but falls flat as my alternative availability comes to light.

I need to know that it can work. I’m getting out to the gym, participating in community events during the day, yet haven’t made any connections that feel right. Tips, advice, anything, Beuller, Beuller?

I have certain names that are an immediate “Nope”. Sorry to the Gary’s, Brett’s, and Brent’s of the world it is a no go!

Looking for some outside perspective on a relationship that just hit a wall after 8 years. Need to know if I'm crazy or if this was doomed from the start.

Me and this girl (both 51) have been dating for 8 years. I'm divorced, live in the SF Bay Area, and have two teenage boys (19 and 16) that I've been raising mostly on my own. Work hard, finally finished paying support, run the household, etc. She lives in a multi-generational family house (rooms with her mom, rents from her brothers, shares food/chores with them and her other brother's family). Her living expenses are dirt cheap and she's saved a ton with plans to retire at 55.

From day one, she was firm on boundaries. It wasn't that she didn't want to move in eventually, but she wanted a new smaller place with just me. She has no kids and made it clear she didn't want a stepmother role. She'd only stay over when my kids weren't around (as they got older she'd visit sparsely when they were there, but still kept her distance). I wanted a real partner to share things with, but for 8 years I basically matched her level of investment and kept compromising my own needs just to keep the peace.

Recently, things blew up over something small in my eyes (not hers)—I just wanted to grab a moment with an old college friend. That apparently shook the whole dynamic and caused an immediate blowout on both sides.

A few other details messing with my head:

• She gave a vague "5-year timeline" recently on when she might make a decision to move out, which conveniently lines up with when my kids might be out. But in this high COL area, expecting 19 & 16 yr olds to be fully out just so we can start a real life isn't realistic.
• It kills me that she's been sitting in a low-cost family setup watching me grind non-stop for a decade to raise my boys and keep my head above water, while she protected her nest egg to retire at 55.
• Even if we stayed together, I feel like spite would takeover. She'll be enjoying early retirement while I keep slaving away, since she won't pitch in on expenses that touch my kids (reasoning they already have a mother).
• Years ago, I offered her part-equity in my house so we could lower overhead and build something together. She recently threw that back in my face like it was a selfish cash-grab on my end.
• She had another 10-yr relationship fail before me for similar reasons (she compartmentalized that one too, no kids involved). She's a good person, but her walls are so high she can't let anyone into her actual life.

We're on a "break" right now and I'm leaning towards calling it quits for good. Am I wrong for wanting a partner who actually wants to share a life and help carry some weight after 8 years? And how do I handle ending this cleanly without getting dragged into another circular argument?

Any thoughts appreciated.