u/thisriveriswild70

I’m 55m. One kid who is away at college and one that is going away in September.
I met a 45f, no kids. What I’m describing is not exclusive to her.
I feel like women see my kids age in my profile and feel line”oh he’s done”- women with no kids. Women with kids tend to comment on how they are in similar or near similar situations.

I’ve had 5 dates with this woman and I see a reoccurring theme, my availability. Both my kids are home. One just graduated high school, and one is back from college. My younger one has a good job but the work moves around the city where he sells fruit and produce at stands. It’s at high traffic areas. Downtown- city centres, urban farmers markets. Parking for an 8 hour shift is hard and 40/day.

Here is the common theme, I need to pick him up. He ends at 7. I will propose a 8:30 pm date. This is one example. I have others that may involve my older child as well. Where they may need me
for a logistical reason. I’ll gladly give them the car, if it makes sense. Sometimes it doesn’t.
As I explain this- I feel myself getting annoyed. The common thread is women that don’t have kids- questioning me on why I’m driving or why I’m helping them, when they are 18 and 22. I actually don’t need to justify anything. Being questioned on their independence doesn’t feel great when one will have an MBA and one will be an engineer. They are strong kids, but not perfect. Questioning their abilities actually hurts. Like honestly- if my going them out bothers you just say that. Don’t masquerade like it’s my kids failing when you’re worried about your night time routine.

I don’t question the needs of their dogs and cats. If they say they need to be home at 6 to walk their dog, I accept it. Honestly- it can suck but I knew the game coming in.

Women without kids say they get it, but I actually find they don’t. I’m not blaming them per se. You know what you know.

I see women say that I want someone with no kids. Because kids always have things that come up, then there are grandchildren and that is another burden. Fair, that isn’t false. However they do seem to enjoy Christmas, thanksgiving, Passover ( if you’re Jewish) Ramadan ( Muslim) not alone being along. That is another thing though.

Overall, I respect women, in my case, that have that view of zero kids even older ones doesn’t work for them in their profiles. Full respect. I don’t date vegans.

What I am learning is that there is a disconnect.

When someone says to me on a plane-
Oh god a crying kid, I’m just thinking about the parents that are sweating literal bullets wondering is they won’t be annoying all the people that hate kids as
They can’t get their kids to stop crying. As I said to one woman-if it’s not my kids cry I don’t even hear it. Which is true.
I have been trying to believe that some women without kids don’t have their opinions on how Kids should be and it’s not working and I am actually super disappointed. I think my adult kids ( all kids ) are a feature not a bug 😞

In 3 weeks I have no kids at home but I’ll always have kids.

So, I know the answer will be date women with kids. It just feels a bit….shit as it seems like it shouldn’t be that big of a deal and it reduces the pool size, however I should just not date women without kids I guess.

Edited to adjust last paragraph.

My therapist who is awesome always reminds me to flirt on dates. She says, she also has to remind her women clients to flirt a little bit. Nothing explicitly sexual and of course read the room. Also, you know if there is no connection so leave it at that.

I’m ( 55m) on a date with a woman (44f ) for a second date. It starts as a catch up from our first date. Then we have a few drinks, two to be precise, and the banter becomes super fun. It’s easy going. We aren’t talking about our week, our job, our kids, but also aren’t talking about sex. We are taking about what we want in a relationship. What works for us romantically, what being romantic means to each other. There is a tension. What I found amazing is how she flirted with her eyes. They way she would look to the side with her eyes. Tilt her head a little. The way she could use her eyes to show approval or excitement. In equal measure she used her smile in the same way. It was sexual, but not sexual. She’s Persian. It was a master class in flirting. I definitely flirted back but felt like i was in first year engineering and she was doing a PhD in quantum physics. She didn’t make physical contact. She didn’t directly bring up sex but her face was sort of saying it. She would ask things like, what are your love languages. I’d answer and her reply would all be from her smile or eyes.
Not to be crass I felt like she could fuck me with her eyes.

I think it’s easy to focus on what people do, their past, their kids, their careers, their last hike, their paddle boarding, their dog. But if we get to a second date there has to be some fire. The Boss said it well “ you can’t start a fire without a spark” I’m sure attraction can grow but it’s hard to grow if we don’t show some signs of being sexual beings ( appreciate that some people, that’s not important and this post isn’t for you and that totally ok, we all need different things )

Maybe it’s a Middle East thing. I don’t want to generalize but in my limited; Persian, Israeli, Egyptian dating experiences the flirt is high and there is no wasting time.

I’d add, flirting is so fun. It’s a muscle we need to exercise but damn do you feel more alive when you’re doing some flirting and not just interviewing.

I (55m) have been on some dates with a (46f) we are at or near exclusivity. We were making out the other night. In the nakedness of it all, she had a bush I have never witnessed before. It was from hip bone to hip bone. Very thick. It’s was not managed really at all. When I saw it I basically froze….

I feel like this will get downvoted into oblivion.

I like her, she is fun. Super sweet. I want to be flexible. Most women, of all, have been some version of waxed( bikini/ Brazilian) or neatly trimmed. No complaints whatsoever. Zero. It’s all good. Not locked into one type but oral feels a bit….nope.

This is something I guess I didn’t know what out there, this was more than 70’s bush. . God I feel awful saying this but I think I need to end this. I know I’m allowed my preferences. I know I can just walk away, but idk.

Maybe I could get some replies from women if there is a kind way that won’t shame her or come across as trying to change her. Or maybe just reply “no” meaning this is not a situation that can be discussed.

Side note- I have had women say, wasn’t planning on being naked and I’m a bit unkept. Never been an issue, never.

I don’t need to make a good person feel bad. I feel like this is in a similar area as a guy with a small dick, where there is no nice way to say it. So women don’t say it and lie because lying is better than the truth. I know it’s not an equivalent as a penis size can’t be changed. However a bush this broad and thick feels like a choice.

Help 😬

54M dating 50F and looking for some perspective.

I’ve been on three dates with a woman I really like. She’s smart, financially responsible, attractive, and enjoyable to spend time with. We’ve kissed after each date, and the dates themselves have been fairly long (2–3.5 hours). She also reaches out regularly with funny messages or random photos, so there seems to be some level of interest and engagement.

What I’m struggling to understand is the pacing.

When I suggest getting together again, I often get responses that feel a little noncommittal. Nothing overtly negative, more along the lines of “I think so” or “maybe” rather than a clear yes or no. The yes usually comes but it’ feels a bit hedged. At the same time, she’ll send something playful or flirty, like a photo from yoga outfit, looking amazing, or a funny text. So the signals feel somewhat mixed.

I’m not interested in pushing for explanations or creating a confrontation. If I make an invitation, I generally leave the ball in their court.

The reason I’m asking is that I’ve noticed a similar pattern with several women I’ve dated in their 50s. It’s not a huge sample size (maybe 6–7 women), but enough that I’ve started wondering if there’s something I’m missing.

By contrast, when I’ve dated women in their 40s—many of whom had younger kids and arguably less free time—the interactions often felt more straightforward. If my suggested day didn’t work, they’d counter with another day. There was a sense of momentum. The plans kept moving forward.

With some women in their 50s, I sometimes feel like the connection stays in orbit: friendly, flirty, positive, but without much movement toward actually seeing each other again. I also notice that they’re rarely the ones suggesting plans or proposing alternatives.

I’m sure some people will say, “They’re just not that into you,” and that’s certainly possible. What gives me pause is that when younger women weren’t interested, they were often pretty direct about it: “I’ve enjoyed meeting you, but I want to pursue another connection.”

For those of you dating in this age range, have you noticed anything similar? Is this simply an individual personality thing, a desire to control the pace, dating fatigue, greater independence, or something else entirely?

For the record my preference is to date closer to my age for a variety of reasons, however I’ve recently been dating a bit younger and that’s not really the solution to what I want.

I understand the concept of intentionally dating, but in online profiles I find a bit performative

Like it is one of those phrases that undermines itself the moment you put it in your profile. If you’re truly self aware, clear about what you want, and serious about finding a real connection, that comes through in how you show up, not in how you describe yourself. A good listener doesn’t lead with “I’m a good listener.” The announcement replaces the thing it’s claiming to be. It feels to me like therapy-adjacent language borrowed from wellness culture/ or dating coaches on you tube and like a lot of that vocabulary, it’s better at signaling the idea of emotional maturity than actually demonstrating it.
I often see it paired with “I’m not in a rush”. Well, instead of announcing it, just don’t rush?

Are these used to scare off the other sex somehow, or warn them? Is it a reminder to the person writing it?

So many questions….

I honestly don’t see a difference in the women ( in my case ) that put it versus those that don’t.

Thoughts?

This post is not gender specific, however given I only date women this is my experience, I suspect this is equally as prevelent for women as well, if not more so. (M54) I have been online dating for my 3rd time after two long term relationships. My age limit is set 45 to 57 ( no real specific reason for that range ) and I am noticing this increase in women who talk about travel and fairly expensive hobbies. Some have children, others don’t.
They seem to live a decent lifestyles but they admit to not having any savings and that they can’t afford to travel, and one said she had to sell her car. These ladies are RN’s, teachers, health care workers. These are recent
Examples and not emblematic of any one group- tons of financially responsible teachers, nurses and heath care workers

I am actually shocked.

I am also noticing a sizeable uptick of “consultants” who aren’t actually working and people in the “wellness” space, which seems to be part time work but they are on a journey…with their community….someone tried to sell me a cold plunge package.

I do live in PNW city where housing isn’t cheap, however most of these people were here before it got expensive.

I do find this can make some aspects of dating tough. I feel like we all want to explore more of the world as our kids grow up and move on ( for those with kids) and it feels mismatched in terms of long term success

Are others noticing this?

To add- I work in finance and I am aware of the economy

Edited to clarify on Teachers/RN’s and health care workers

In the pro shot video of the Glasgow concert, where I believe they play Whole of the Moon, for the first time. As they are bringing up Tony,
for Reasons, on the drums, the crowd is massively chanting…but what were they chanting? Brandon even says”I don’t know what you’re saying?” Any Scots that know?
It’s been in my mind for a long time. Also too bad all drummers weren’t like Tony, he was elite. The rest ruined it.

Here are the highlights of today’s date.

This is what I learned

Met woman today. She was attractive. Her pictures are a bit old. But not unrepresentative

She’s good with money
She had a 12 year old daughter, she’s 49 I am 54m
Her and husband were separated for 8 years …but under the same roof

She said she stayed faithful. He didn’t.

They hadn’t had sex for 9 years + but she stayed in it for their kid

She hasn’t had a relationship since they split from living together

She has her 12 year old 100% of the time.

She does all her travel with her daughter.

She says she will continue to travel with daughter until done school. Then with a partner after

She said she wants someone to travel with? I asked when? She says when child is older

She says that she hasn’t had a relationship since her ex? Well, when did you actually seperate? Like not in the house? Didn’t really answer but said they were divorced. Seemed sus

Why isn’t the dad in the kids life?

She’s super busy with her daughter, with driving etc ( so when are we relationshiping?)

I think she’s a good person overall

She maybe asked me 4 questions

Hugging her at the end in even a friendly way seemed awkward.

She messages me to say thanks for the meet up. Would like to met again.

I reply back; thanks for meeting me, I enjoyed chatting but I had friendship vibes vs romantic ones. I wish you the best in your future dating

Then she replies; I am surprised you’d say that. We only talked for a bit over an hour, how could you arrive at this conclusion? How can you tell if you’re into someone or not? I would genuinely want to know what I did wrong? People often tell me I’m attractive.

If someone asked me to what to do, I’d say don’t engage, you’re not HR. That said, this lady just seems pretty unaware. Am I the only one that sees about 10 red flags and how can she not see them? I’m not going to reply.

This is the first time I’ve gotten this type of post date reply when declining another date.

Do people not realize that dating is supposed to have some element of flirting fun to it? That talking about being in dry dock for 8 years plus isn’t relationship like? That looks won’t dictate connection?

Has anyone else had this type of encounter and request for feedback?

Hey folks,

I (54m) have a date tomorrow with a (49f) lady. 2nd date. She suggested going for a walk. I thought it was a great idea. We set up the time and meet up location. I get a separate text an hour later asking; “are you ok with dogs “ to which I was tempted to reply; “are you ok with kids “

She doesn’t have it listed on her profile and no pictures. She doesn’t have kids.
She never mentioned the dog on date one.

The last person I dated had a dog and it was basically like dating both of them. I loved the dog, he’s a great dog. It impacted all parts of our dating. I think dog owners know all of this so I’m not sure I need to list the restrictions. Walk morning, walk evenings, home after dinner to let out, reservation times need to take into account the dog, weekends have some sort of structure around the kids, take on local trips, bigger trips to Europe for 2 weeks difficult, dog in the room during sex, dog not in the room during sex and it’s scratching at door, dog sleeping in the bed. All of these things aren’t inherently bad. Owning a dog is a big responsibility.

I have 2 fully grown kids they are both off to school in the fall. I now have complete flexibility. She doesn’t have kids.

I am thinking of messaging her and saying I have no problem the dog coming on the walk however I know dogs are a long term responsibility and I am looking for something that will be less scheduled/rigid. Ok probably not that.

I suspect a dog owner would be happy with this reply as they would likely feel like they dodged a bullet. I suspect dog owners don’t see it this way. I suspect, like my past gf she say it as a major bonus to have a dog

This lady in messaging said- oh it’s so nice your kids are over it allows for so much more flexibility and went onto day that she doesn’t date people with kids that aren’t self sufficient which I know find super weird.

Honestly, I’m sure she could give 2 fucks given we have met once and messaged a bunch of times. Just don’t want to be a dick. Like her, I want more flexibility.

Also I feel like I’ve been dogfished

Update- I hadn’t replied to her message as I was sorting through these replies.

Hey, I know I just sort of sprung the dog on you. Our date time is when I normally walk him, so I am just trying to kill 2 birds with one stone. If you’re not ok with it I get it. I’m not trying to integrate my dog on date two, but he is the best! If you’re not good with it, I get it. I can try to get to him sooner to walk him or we can maybe reschedule.
Lmk C

I’m going to go. I left it pretty long and it’s 60 minutes of my life. If I’m not into it I can tell her I don’t feel a connection.
Leave the dog out of it.

Thanks for all the replies. Some were supportive, challenging and hilarious!

Elle McPerson hot, so DOF 😂

Thoughts on the changes to Hinge where you get a heart signal on your profile if you are considered engaging vulnerable and ask thoughtful questions ( line you read the profile ) they are now going to only let likes stay in your in box for 2 weeks, then they are gone.

At first I was mixed on both, but I do like the signals idea. I think it is accurate. I look at my matches that have it and those that don’t and I can actually see the contrast.

As far as the dropping the “likes” at first I didn’t like it. However, the reality is I was using them as “potential” and really never get back to them. Even if I have 3 convos going and see someone that stands out I will like them back.

What are your thoughts?