Was it grooming?
I am going to start this by saying I am older and in a much better mental state by now and I am heavily considering therapy for this situation and lots of others. This is only the second time I’ve told this story. The first was literally two weeks ago when I realized how fucked this whole situation was. But I’m having trouble figuring out if this was gripping because it was so different from what grooming is portrayed as. Also my parents know about all of this, I don’t think they knew how deep it went though.
I was 11/12 and the person was 15/16. This person had a very bad life and had lots of issues with living situations, drugs, alcohol, self harm, all of it. I was fresh into middle school and had no mental health issues. I met them on discord and they had lots of different pages where they would talk about wanting to off themselves. At one point they were planning that we were going to do a group death on my 16th birthday. I got exposed to a lot in that discord page and eventually we started “dating”. I use that lightly because it makes me want to puke thinking about it. We would stay at each other’s houses all the time and their house was the usual one. Every time I was there I would wake up puking and had to crawl back to their room because I couldn’t walk. At one point I couldn’t eat anything for a month because I would puke it all up and missed a lot of school.
Nothing every happened between me and this person but they would talk about how they weren’t going to tough me because I was a child and they were waiting for me to be older before they would touch me. We kissed a few times and they were very cuddly towards me. They would tell me about what they wanted to do with me but wouldn’t touch me because I was 11. It all ended because they convinced my friend who has pots to trigger an episode to try to get herself into a hospital so she could check herself into a mental hospital because they had also gotten me and my best friend to cut ourselves multiple times. They also convinced me to try to go to a mental hospital with them so we could be together. The worst part is that this isn’t even the full story. Not even half. I told this person we were done and blocked them on everything. It’s been a rocky battle with mental health since then and when all of this started I weighed 140. I lost 20lbs from the not being able to keep anything down while at their house and was sick 24/7. I finally got back to a healthy weight and can function again 5 years later. But I have a whole new group of friends and I told one of them about this whole thing the other day and as I was telling the story I realized how bad this all was. I can’t get it out of my head and I need to tell someone other than my mom and friends and I need to know if this is groping. I feel like it is but I just feel so disgusted with myself. Even though me and this person never actually did anything they still kissed me and was very cuddly towards me and it just makes my skin crawl and I want to scrape my skin off of my body where they touched me.