u/CouchOpossum

I recently survived and feel immensely more mentally healthy after my time on the psych/medical unit. I hadn't realized just how much I had been slowly letting myself slip the last months to a year - it's very stark now how poorly I was doing in the lead up. 10/10 recommend a stay in the psych unit if you are struggling and able to afford both the stay itself and the time off work or school, maybe do that before you get as far down in the pit as I did.

In any case, I know that making amends or atoning somehow is often an important step, but I'm struggling to really understand what that means and will look like after something like this. Thankfully my closest friends are seemingly just happy I'm still here (also are a great place for me to discharge some of the dark humor of the situation that have been bubbling up in me) - I know I would like to figure out something to do there still beyond just being grateful I'm still here and that they love me. My partner and I are still speaking/texting but they said they need time before seeing me again. Which is completely reasonable, I was unfortunately quite awful to them during my mental break. I'm grateful they are still in my life in some capacity for now, and trying not to fixate on the uncertainty and waiting limbo while working on my coping skills and getting my home in better shape and just generally trying to shore up my life to be more resilient. I have a lot of guilt and shame still to work through, which I'm trying my best to strictly do at this time with my therapist and psychiatrist. I also intend on digging into why I'm so stuck on atonement/making amends during this time, to make sure I'm not using it as seeking absolution but as wanting to help heal any wounds I've caused, if I'm able. (also need to dig into more on why I keep just expecting everyone who knows to be furious at me - maybe because I'm mad at myself? but that's also work to be done with my psych and therapist).

Can anyone help me here to understand this idea better and help me see what it can look like? I know it can take many forms. I understand there isn't necessarily a 'right' thing to do here, but there are a lot of wrong things I'd like to avoid. Perspectives from both people that have been in the same place I am now, as well as those who have had a friend or partner survive are welcome. Mostly just seeking to understand better.