End of the Road
Trying this again. I deleted it about an hour ago. Truly am just terrified of posting and it coming to bite me for whatever reason. I promise I’m not trying to spam anything. I’m just a very broken dude right now. I’m crying as I’m typing this update.
This is going to be a long post, so I totally understand if no one takes the time to read it. I’ve always had a very hard time expressing myself and putting things in words. So even making this post is really hard for me.
I don’t even know where to begin. I have been with my wife since 2017 and we’ve been married since 2022.
To begin with, my wife is an absolutely good person who has always done right by me, but just as I do she has her flaws.
In the beginning she was the first person that has ever really shown interest in me. I never had highschool relationship or even one in college. I never thought I would be with someone. I always thought I would just kind of be alone, and was coming to terms with that. I graduated high school in 2011 and college in 2015. I was never very social, other than having a core group of friends.
I got my degree in special education and began teaching right away in the fall after I graduated. I even got a second job at Dutch Bros to try and become more social and meet new people. This is where my wife to be enters the picture. She is the first person as I mentioned before, where I truly felt that they were interested in me. She was my first everything. My first kiss, the first person to hear say that they love me, so on and so forth. I took it and ran with it and never looked back until now. I knew that she was the one for me. But also in reflecting I know how dangerous it can be when you go with the first person who has ever given you the time of day.
I have mentioned that I have flaws. I have always had such a tremendously hard time expressing myself and thoughts since I was a kid. I’ve always shut down. Ive always had a low self esteem, and never felt like when I would speak up I would be heard. I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I’ve always shown up for my wife with my presence at the very least. She is someone who struggles with severe depression and anxiety. It’s hard for her to spontaneously do things/plan for things partly because of this and also partly in what I feel as everything has to be for the “GRAM”. Countless times I’ve tried to plan things and it’s been I can’t just do the same day. I have to have my hair done, or my lashes etc. I am not big into social media at all. I literally only use reddit and watch YouTube shorts on occasions. That’s it.
I have always masked/numbed my emotions with weed until March of this year. I’ve been sober since March and have been working very hard on myself to be more present than what I have ever been.
I’ve made huge strides in my career. But my wife has never really shown appreciation in it. She will say she is proud of me and that she supports me, but in the same token she will say that my new position sucks, it takes time away, etc. Which I understand to an extent, but I also feel that in the long run I’m doing this for us and our future. We always make time for each other based around my school breaks, which what other job can you say has built in breaks and time off like that, outside of requesting PTO which I do as well. I’ve left work early multiple times just to be there for her when she is really mentally struggling.
My wife and I never tend to really argue, but when things get to a boiling point because of a lack of prior communication, She blows up on me and it’s always about how she feels so alone, she’s done, she’s over being with me, that I always do the same old, and never change. Again I’m not perfect I don’t always share how I’m truly feeling because it’s so hard for me to do. I truly am working on being better at that and more present. So when it’s gets to the boiling point it blows up and I feel like comments become irrational, always making comments like I’m not a man and minimizing things I’ve done to help support. She also always brings my family into arguments, saying they’re not supportive and never enough for XYZ reasons.
Trust me my family is not perfect but they’ve always welcomed her with open arms. She feels like their house should always be open to her when she’s going through depression or that she should be able to go over there whenever. Which I get to an extent, but always running from your emotions/problems won’t solve anything either. Her own family is not even available in that way.
Also in the same coin I’ve never brought up her families lack of support in the situation or any shortcomings they may have had to help support her. I’ve never brought up any flaws in the boiling point arguments. I always just take everything on the chin.
I’m being nominated for an award this Tuesday and after this past boiling argument her response I hope you know what it feels like to feel alone. That she’s done and wants god to show her the way to move on.
I truly feel like this time is going to be the straw that broke the camels back, and that I need to make peace with it.
I’ve always come running back with an apology seeking to be forgiven after our arguments. I even tried to acknowledge me being an asshole today. I’ve been a little standoffish/ distant due to being very stressed about my dogs health
I am just super stressed about my dogs health, because he is shitting literal blood, and again I’ve been sober so I’m truly try to cope with emotions, which is truly brand new to me. She said that was a lame ass excuse and that she has her own demons she deals with on a daily basis. I have never minimized her emotions in that way. She has never once after any of tipping points truly acknowledged anything on her side or her flaws. It’s always my fault and that I’ll never change. She also always seems to inadvertently blame me for a lack of having children, which I know doesn’t solely rest on me.
I’m absolutely terrified that this is probably the end. We own a house together, a car, have dogs etc. I’m absolutely spiraling and just terrified of change. But the change is probably needed and I can see that this relationship isn’t healthy for either one of us. It is just so hard to let go. Especially when you truly care about the other person, and I know she cares about me. It just absolutely sucks we got to this point of what appears to be no return.
For those that took the time to read this/hear me vent/hear me try and express myself. I can’t express how much that it truly means to me. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to hear a completely random person. I am beyond grateful for that. I hope I can return the favor if needed for you one day. I hope that I don’t really let this affect me anymore than it already will. I definitely feel broken, lost, and terrified of what is to come in the coming days. I’m terrified in even posting this that it will somehow get to her and she will retaliate and twist my words or even make me feel less of a “man” than I already am. I’m just trying to let it out because I don’t know how else to. I know this isn’t the best way to go about it, but I just need to get it out.
Any advice is greatly welcomed, and I will do my best to clarify any questions.