Haven't slept in 5 days and my PPD feels off the charts
I keep imagining my suicide over and over again tonight. I feel the urges and I'm a little scared. My baby is 4 months old but just got out of the NICU after 106 days. He's still only 8 pounds. Him and my 3 year old have G tubes and lung disease from prematurity and have both been sick. I already had problems sleeping but this is ridiculous. My last kid I made it about a month and a half before I had an attempt and only survived because the thing I was using broke but I was like half conscious at that point. I'm worried that might happen again even though I want it.
This is the first time in my life I feel insane, like apparently I'm hallucinating after looking it up. That freaks me out and makes me feel like I'm insane. This didn't happen last time. They are so scary too and it feels like there's a ghost in the room and I don't even believe in ghosts. Wtf.
I'm getting pretty desperate. What would you guys do in this situation? What can I take when I know I will either stay awake through it, or be constantly woken up anyway? I always stay awake if I take something and something wakes me up even if it helps me fall asleep. Feels like I'm at the end of a literal rope 😓