Am I being unreasonable in my annoyance to time commitment with a sexual partner?
I’m (38F) in a casual sexual relationship with a guy (47M). We’ve known each other for several years and had a pretty loose sexual relationship meeting up every few weeks. In the past when we were together he would only come over late in the evenings because he was working into the night. He works for himself so I didn’t think it would be a problem for him to be more flexible with his time (more on this later). I had had conversations with him about how I wanted him to come sooner in the day instead of 10-11pm. He explained that he had a medical condition that made it difficult for him to sleep and get up early so he usually didn’t actually start working until 2-3 in the afternoon. So he needed the time to get shit done before coming over. We were not dating so I didn’t press it and we kept this casual relationship for 2 years.
Last year I had to move out of state for work so our casual relationship ended. Well recently I moved back to my hometown and after a few months I hit him up just to see if he was still around. Well he was and he ended up calling me and we talked on the phone for hours just catching up then made plans to meet that weekend. Well same fucking shit, coming over in the middle of the night. At this point I just figured this is who he is and has always been. I just never bothered to really question anything differently.
So last night we were on the phone talking and I don’t know how it came up but he started talking about some woman he had a sexual relationship with in the time that I was gone. From the way he was explaining it to me it sounded like he enjoyed his time with her so I asked why he wasn’t still messing around with her. He told me she ended things because it was too time consuming because they were meeting twice a day 3-4 days a week and after a few months she didn’t want to anymore and felt it was better to just break instead of reducing the time.
This kind of bugged me because in all the time I had known him he never had that kind of time to meet with me. So I asked how he could have time for that but never gave me even half that time. He explained about 6 months after I left he got on a new medication that gave him a lot more energy and he stopped feeling so sick all the time so he was able to be more “active”. He said he’s currently in the process of trying to get the medication again.
So what bothers me most is how he had time to meet twice a day several days a week (I don’t even have this kind of time myself) and he can only meet me late at night after working. Clearly he was able to make more time and adjust his schedule when he wanted to. We’re casual so I feel I shouldn’t feel some type of way about it but I do. This literally kept me up last night because I was wondering what’s so different and why she was more deserving of that effort. I’m sure I could guess why but my mind can’t escape the urge to know specifically what it was.
I’ve already gotten too far into questions I don’t want the answer to with him. Wondering how bad it would be if I did ask what made it so different. I don’t fully believe his medication excuse and I believe he would be more revealing if I pressed him on it. ATP I’m not even sure I’d enjoy myself when we do meet up again cause this shit is going to be in the back of my head. I’ve just never felt insecure in our dynamic until this point. When we’re together he’s always complimentary, affectionate, attentive, eager. I’d never questioned if he actually liked being intimate with me because he never showed otherwise (or so I thought).
Just wanting some opinions on this, if I should even bring it up again and if I am doing too much by feeling so annoyed about it since we aren’t in a relationship and are just casual partners.