some advice on how to exist
In no way is this post supposed to be disrespectful or I am just genuinely aware I have a flaw because of things that have happened to me throughout life and I’m asking for advice on how to fix it. Please be kind, I am trying to kindly ask for advice and understanding and I’m trying to word it properly with no disrespect intended.
Growing up I had never interacted with a black person, I grew up in a white community with stereotypical parents born in the 50s and rascist grandparents. When I was old enough to get a job I started working at a food place in the mall with ONLY black people and I had no idea how to talk or interact and I did and said all the wrong things like typical stupid white girl shit like “can I touch your hair ect.” I didn’t know you would be into this band I liked ect. Awful I know, but I had to learn somehow and that was by making these mistakes I was literally so sheltered. So as I worked at this food place in the mall it seemed a lot of black women who came into the food line were mean to me, no matter how kind I was, they talked down to me and bossed me around, so I would just try to be overly kind and do whatever they said, I wanted to be accepted and respectful and be a good example I guess . but from this job I got like a complex, I would say that, black women don’t like me very much, or if I made friends with a black women they would always prefer to have a black friend that was a girl over a white one they would never like me as much. I got other jobs, and where I live and work is predominantly black people and I learned a lot and I just try to be overly respectful and almost treat black people as if they are better than me because I don’t want them thinking I feel I am better than them in anyway because I am not we are all just people but because of my history as a white person i feel guilty and I don’t want to be attached in anyway to rascism I simply just want to fluidly exist in society and get along with everyone but I am 37 now and I still am scared of black women and I don’t want to be this way I just want to live life and I was wondering if there was any books or any advice I can get to just be normal and be understanding I have terrible anxiety about this type of thing I could give so many examples of black women being mean to me and im not like asking for sympathy or anything I honestly don’t blame them for treating me like crap, I love when they cuss a white women out I think it’s funny, I mean based on how the world evolved especially in the united states, and I just endure it am understanding of where they are coming from, be as respectful as possible but I don’t want to think or feel this way I just want to co-exist with no boundaries or thoughts and feelings of being different or saying the wrong things or having bad anxiety. I’m not sure if I’m making any sense but I just feel sad I guess. I want to exist as if I had been around black people my entire life and it’s nothing. I’m not sure if I am making any sense or if anyone can relate to what I am saying or give me any advice, I’m not sure if this post is bad I’m not trying to be any type of way. any help would be appreciated.