I just realized this is about the 10th LLM generated recipe Ive used. I wanted a more cookie like biscotti but espresso chocolate cinnamon, it’s a tweak of a recipe I used from a previous session on another LLM from a year or so ago.
In my 40s and I have been depressed since I was a teen. When I was a teen I just felt like I wasn’t gonna make it. Objectively my life hasn’t been too bad. I have a successful career, some status, high income, but it means nothing to me, it’s a means to an end, and praise just becomes anxiety to continue performing.
Every time I spiral into depression, obligation has always kept me tied to this world. I go back to distracting myself. I don’t feel like I am really living, I am just full filling obligations to
others who need me, or distracting myself, usually through some kind of escapism.
My biggest obligation was to my wife, now that I am going through a divorce, I could really give a frack less, she’s on her own. My mindset switched to focusing on retirement so I can end the other obligation, performing my career. This lead to a lot of anger and issues as my wife is not only taking half my net worth but trying to get a half decade of alimony out of me, which is really about the forced obligation aspect… sorry I will try to get back on topic…
Thinking about being done with obligations, I don’t have anything else. I don’t have people close to me, and I don’t really want any. Basically I am holding off on happiness until I can retire, but I don’t have any plans for happiness if I get there. I want the stress anxiety and obligations to be over so I can relax, but beyond their absence I am not looking forward to anything at all. It feels like just running out the clock, which seems pointless.