I am tired of failing!
Good morning,
I apologize if it feels like I’m all over the place, but this is how my mind works. My brain always feels scattered. I will jump back and forth as I remember things or want to add them.
I honestly don’t know what I am expecting from this post, but feel compelled. Perhaps to illustrate the weakness in my life to others, or maybe Gods plan to help me see from different perspectives and ideas.
I am (28M) I have an incredible wife and 4 children. I am not the husband or father I want or should be. I have been up since 2:30AM. Digging through the Bible and this Reddit page. I am so far from being a good Christian, husband, and father. This is not my first time feeling disgusted in myself. This is not the first time I have concluded my wrong doings and mistakes. But I NEED this time to be my never turning back point.
Over the past 10 years, I have felt the fire for God come and go. I love feeling on fire for God! But then I get back into my old ways, and the fire stops. For the future of wife, children, and I, I need this fire to endure until my calling.
I am addicted to alcohol and video games, unfortunately. I go to work, come home, drink and play video games until bed. I very seldom do or help with house chores with my wife. I wouldn’t say I am and absent father or husband, but I wouldn’t say I’m active either. My oldest son plays baseball, and I have never missed a game or practice. I also am a coach on the team. When we are home, we all do our own thing. I play my game, my wife does chore or watches tv, and my kids play outside, on their games, etc.
My excuse for video games is, it’s no different than watching tv. I have always had a passion for games, I believe it’s because I’m somewhat ADHD, and like to be engaged and fidgeting. (Undiagnosed) when I do watch tv, I always get bored and tired. For the alcohol, it started when I joined a motorcycle club around 2 years ago. In an MC, everyone drinks heavily, and I picked up the habit. I kept this habit, even after leaving the MC.
I started drinking at lunch yesterday, and continued to drink all day. We had a good day. Once we got home in the evening, everything turned. My wife and I started arguing, over very petty stuff. I have never yelled at my wife like I did last night, she yelled at me, and she was crying. I feel horrible and I never want to experience this again. I am terrified that I will lose her if my drinking continues. (The situation was a lot worse that I make it sound.) in the end my wife apologized because she did start the situation, but being drunk I let my anger get the best of me, so I was wrong to. She ended up crying saying she wanted to change, she didn’t want to push her thoughts and anger out on me and the kids anymore. When she wakes up, I plan to have a literal come to Jesus talk with her. I plan on once again, attending church. I want us to have a strong God centered marriage! If she and I want to change, we can do it together.
As always my only fix for this is God. But I don’t want it to be like every other time falling back into these bad habits. I want to be a good spiritual leading husband and father. I have a very bad attention span, and am easily distracted by worldly desires. I’ll want to do what I want, and I eventually even give up reading the Bible and prayer to satate my desires. How can I keep the feeling of fire for God? How can I hold myself accountable when I start to stray from his word?
I want to be more proactive with my family rather than reactive. I don’t want my children growing up, saying all dad did was drink and play his game. I want my wife to be proud of the man she’s married to.
For those of you who decided to invest your time into reading this, thank you. I am making myself vulnerable here, but as I feel compelled to put this here.
Temptation is difficult for me. With that being said should I outright get rid of my computer? If I use it, I will be tempted to download my games and play them. Or should I should I try to take accountability of my actions and try to stray from games on my own? As for the alcohol I started a Bible plan to quit. I plan to read the Bible, go to church, and pray over these matters.
I’m open to criticism, so if I failed to mention something or what I have said sounds bad, feel free to correct me.