u/CraftNo3225

My (16f) self harm didnt start with the typical depression, emotional trauma or coping mechanisms most people associate with self-harm. If anything when i started self harming it was one of the most happiest year of my life. (2020) It began as an detached curious urge to see blood. That's it. It didn't fit a standard narrative; instead, it became a hyper-fixation only after a few years later (2023) I discovered it online and put a name to it. And so it gave the behavior a framework. Furthermore, because I lack a deep emotional dependency on the act, it functions more like a passing compulsion or a sporadic habit meaning that when the initial curiosity or fixation fades. Making it frustrating to hear it constantly stereotyped as a "cry for help". I know thats the case for a lot of people but I can easily stop for months years days simply due to boredom or a lack of effort or uninterest. It really just highlights that human psychology are complex and don't always follow a single textbook script.

This isn't something where I feel out of control or driven by an uncontrollable urge. I am highly self-aware and in control of the situation. It's just soemthing i done throughout the years (2020-2026). And when I have done it, I’ve been very conscious of minimizing physical risk. For example, I only ever choose my thighs because of the higher fat content, completely avoiding vital areas, veins, or arteries. I don't go deep, and I strictly follow proper hygiene and aftercare by cleaning, disinfecting, and bandaging the area right away. Anyways. It's not a problem for me. It hasnt effected my life in any kind of way. Good friendgroup, grades, social life, relationship with my family.

Im just kinda annoyed that ppl just assume im depressed when i tell them i do it like im not and ive even seen someone and havent gotten diagnosed with anything.

Also, why do people treat self-harm way differently than things like drinking? Even though both can involve intentionally doing something harmful to your body for relief, pleasure, or emotional regulation. Alcohol is literally toxic and people still normalize drinking all the time, even when it can seriously affect someone’s health if they overdo it. To me, the main difference is that self-harm leaves visible marks, while drinking usually doesn’t. I’m also saying that control matters. Someone who occasionally self-harms and can control their urges is different from someone who is completely overwhelmed by them, just like moderate drinking is different from alcoholism. I’m not saying either one is perfectly healthy, but I think society judges one much more harshly because of emotion and morality rather than looking at both logically.

Thanks for reading.

-Ps I would like to hear your guys opinion on everything or even if you can relate to me because i havent found anyone like me regarding self harm experiences.

For years, I’ve dealt with recurring, highly vivid nightmares. About death. Its either every day or every other day. Its either me getting murdered, my family getting murdered my family killing me, someone killing me or me killing my family. (I love my family). Lately, they have gotten so much worse, more intense, and way more graphic. And gorey. I could see peoples heads off or limbs being detached. They almost AWLAYS revolve around themes of death.

In the dreams, I can actually feel the physical weight and the intense feelings and guilt of what’s happening. Even psychical pain. When I wake up, that feeling doesn't just disappear. The psychological distress, the guilt, and the heavy sensations follow me into the waking world. As if I killed someone or somoene died. It completely and utterly blurs the boundary between sleep and reality.

A couple of days ago, I woke up from the worst one I’ve ever had. In the dream, I ran away from school with cops chasing me, and I had killed somebody. Which was weird because my other ones had been much worse than me just killing someone. It hadnt even been gorey. I woke up feeling an intense loneliness, detachment, sickness, guilt, and confusion but multiplied by one thousand. I could usually handle the aftermath. But that day i couldnt. I broke.

After that, intrusive thoughts started. I think because I dream about death so much, my brain started telling me that maybe I'm capable of it like I’ve "practiced" it so many times in my sleep that it wouldn't even affect me. I tried testing myself by thinking about murdering my neighbor, and I felt absolutely nothing. My brain just kept telling me, "I don't care." Like there was a literal wall blocking me from feeling anything. I knew in that very moment i could have slaughtered my neighbour and wouldnt feel a thing*.* A normal person would care. It felt like my brain pyshcially blocked me from caring. From feeling everything to nothing at all. I got so fucking scared. I thought i could do it if i got curious enough.

That triggered a massive panic attack. I thought i had turn into a sociopath. I didnt feel real. I literally thought i was losing myself. It left me feeling incredibly hopeless, drained, exhasuted and confused. After all that i felt nothing. Like none of that happened. Like i was fine. I dont know what happening to me. And i'm exhausted. What if i get a nightmare that bad again and turn into a sociopath?

Has anyone else ever experienced their brain completely shutting off its emotions like this after extreme nightmares? Why do i keep having these dreams?

Thanks for reading.

- Ps please ask me quesitons to figure this out