It's been getting worse
Usually it's never this bad. Like, I was clean for 110 days, and I thought things were getting better and I was on track to finding healthier solutions to my problems and I kept trying to push through but unfortunately these past few weeks have been rough.
it's my last year in highschool before I go off to graduate and try to find a career and recently I just decided that the career I was planning on going into wasn't making me happy because I was only interested in it for the money and I'd have to academic upgrade for 2 courses that I absolutely have no motivation to do when I go into my gap year. And you know that's fine, plans change, and the career I want to go into seems more fruitful. But I'm stuck in a course I hate till June which is chemistry.
I tried everything I could to work hard for the courses that seemed to challenge me the most yk? Like I fail a quiz? Okay, I'll just study harder. I study harder, And yet I still fail. So now I'm at this place where it always feels like no matter what I do there is just no point in trying and its sucking the life out of me because I really tried hard just like my other friends who are in higher more rigorous classes than me. (which makes me more inferior but I never say it because I know its not their fault, and people are different) It always seems like I'm destined to fail and if I was just born to be someone else I would be so much happier.
On top of that I have other school work and tests this upcoming week, I have an essay, and 2 chem tests (one being in the morning and one in the afternoon), AND THEN, I have tech theatre right after school till fucking 9pm. I had signed up to do this a month or two ago and they just gave us the tech schedule like a few weeks ago. I Didn't realize the work would overlap with all of my other subjects and I guess it's my fault.
It was tech week last week, and keep in mind this is my first show. So I had to learn how to manage the sound board in 2 days. I understood most of it but obviously I had little mistakes. My partner who is a senior operator had to leave so i had to deal with the sound all by myself, dealing with a headset that I can barely hear the cues in, and a condescending teacher telling me things in such a tone that makes my skin boil. Like omg I get it, it's tech week, but It just piled up with all of the other stuff I had been going through. I had messed up a few times, like I played the wrong song or I played it too early, and there are times I'm just stupid. My teacher removed his headset that he usually talks to us in and since he was in the same room as me he just instructed me to do something without the headset, and I was so stupid I forgot and used the headset anyways as if he could hear me there, and he confronted me about it in a condescending tone that you would assume would be a jokey way, but I was very embarrassed and I tried to get back on track to what i was saying in response to his instruction and he fucking cut me off. Maybe I shouldve like actually used my brain, but I'm just so scattered.
This entire school year has been exhausting in a mental health perspective. I keep telling myself that it'll get better and to think of people who have it worse. I thought that if I tried hard I could get the grades I wanted but it never works in my favor. My parents always say they don't know what to say and they keep telling me to just be happy. So of course I never tell them that I've been self harming. This whole upcoming week makes me want to cry my eyes out and I know its my fault for taking tech theatre so why am I complaining that my schedules stuffed? But oh my god its so exhausting having to deal with people, teachers, old friends who dont realize they can be rude and such assholes because theyve been conditioned to think they are all above that.
I can't bring myself to study like I used to. I had a whole studying plan before and I got work done but now I can't bring myself to get out of bed.
So I started to relapse. I began to think that if i self harmed, the day after would be better. And when you get conditioned to that, you get addicted. And it pains me to see that I used to go from being clean for 110 days, to constantly relapsing every two days.
I like the relief it gave me yk? The burn whenever I'd toss and turn in bed. It obviously gave me control.
I feel like I'm slipping away. Like no matter what happens and how much I'll try to fight for a happier future I'll always either end up a backup friend or a quiet kid who nobody gets to really know because they don't care enough to know details about me. I'll never get a fruitful job, i'll never get someone to like me just as much as I like them and get married. It constantly feels like I am always destined to be miserable and I know it sound so dramatic because this really spiraled because of tech week, but its the little things that build up over time. I've dealt with instability and heavy emotions since kindergarten. So I constantly try to better things but it's like tge world won't let me. So eventually how much longer until I give up? Because I'm running out of patience.
I'm sure I couldve explained all of this better, but it's how I feel right now.