It’s three pages long and from 2021. we had an on and off toxic relationship for almost 7.5 years from 2018-2025. it’s full of empty promises and all the right words he knew i’d want to hear to come back to him. and unfortunately i did. multiple times. this cycle repeated itself for so many years and always ended in the same way- him choosing a relationship with drugs over our relationship.
the letter says things like “i’ll cherish you forever. i’ll never hurt you ever again” which hits harder than ever-this year especially. because in two days from now it’ll be one year since he showed up at our workplace, manic and high on drugs, and punched me in the stomach. and everything in my life changed after that afternoon in the parking lot. and even after almost 365 days have passed since that incident, im still hurting from it so much.
all i ever wanted was for him to prioritize our relationship in second place (after his relationship with his family ofc). but it only ever seemed to come in third or fourth place after drugs and partying. looking back idk why i played the fool so many years in a row thinking that after a few weeks apart and another break up that anything had actually/ would change. bc it didn’t. and when i find old letters like these or see old pictures pop up on my phone, it feels like an old scab being ripped back open again. bc he knew what he was doing. the letter IS exactly everything i ever wanted with him- to live together, to be healthy together, to be together for the long run. but he only ever offered those options to me in the form of damage control and in attempts of trying to get me to come back. never as real options when we were actually together and in the relationship.
it feels manipulative and emotionally abusive looking back on this time frame of my life. around the 4th or 5th year he started making comments about me having his children. and that also fucked with my head. bc i did at one point want a family with him. but my response was always the same thing “there won’t be any children in the same house as the drugs.” and that still wasn’t enough to even make him think twice about buying/ selling. he was in a different world of his own and i was just the company he kept nearby to not feel so alone in that world.
since last may 3, ive been focusing on myself and feeling strong in my solitude. i’ve hung out with some other guys in that time which has been nice. but i still feel uneasy about opening up to people fully bc of how much damage and trauma im still working through. it doesn’t feel fair to engage in another potential relationship with so much heavy energy attached to me. he on the other hand ran into the arms of any woman that remotely shows him any attention. which is ofc no surprise to me at all bc he fears being alone and in solitude. it used to be that way every time we broke up too. he would race to find another person to fuck and dump all his heavy and sad energy onto them. that’s not me at all.
this felt like a nice space to release and who knows if anyone will even read it but that’s not the point. getting the memories, pain, and trauma out of my head space and down into a tangible space still feels like relief of some sort. and here’s to may 3rd approaching, a day that will hold weight for me for the rest of my life i’m sure. but it won’t defeat me in my path moving forward. i have an amazing group of loving and supportive friends that lift me up. and my family that always holds me tight when i need it most. i have my soulmate in the form of a furry loveball and i have live music that keeps my cup full at all times. i’m healthy. i’m provided for. and im protected. not much more i could/ would ask for.
if anyone made it this far down, you’re awesome. because i’ll just add it in down here just in case:
TLDR: long term toxic relationships will have long term negative effects. but fill your life up with positive things and hopefully it won’t hurt as much 🤍