I'm exhausted and I don't know what to do
Hi, for almost 2 years I've been questioning my identity. At first I thought it was just a phase but I just couldn't stop thinking about it. It has made my life terrible - at the start I was picturing myself in a more feminine way which now turned into me hating my own body, seeing myself in the mirror makes me feel disgusted. I literally cannot imagine myself transitioning, it is just something I'm not capable of. I'm too anxious for that, all my life have I been hiding everything about me from the people around me, to the point that my own mother called me a stranger. The fact that transphobia and homophobia surrounded me throughout my whole adolescence also doesn't help. Recently my whole world view has shifted, there was time where I fully believed that life has a meaning and that I'm a "free man". There is no such thing as freedom, I didn't choose to be born, I didn't chose how my body looks, I don't choose when my mind decides to be horny (which makes me wanna vomit), I can't even end my own life because of self preservation instinct. Just a week ago I finally decided to do something about my further masculanisation which lead to me discovering Dutasteride. Turns out I can't get it. I don't even get to decide about myself while I'm alive. I feel like living is too much for me, everything feels artificial. What do you mean I, in a non non consensual have been randomly spawned into a society that I didn't choose which now actively works to strip me out of every freedom I had left. If it wasn't for that society I wouldn't have to force myself into repressing my "transness". I'd have literally been happy if I somehow got the Dutasteride, I even managed to stop thinking about hrt and accepted the fact that there's nothing I can do about me being a man. Everything feels pointless to me, for the past few days I did nothing but laying on a bed, I can't even cry, I just feel nothingness. I can't function anymore, I am seriously considering just killing myself. No matter what I do I'll never enjoy living. Is there even a way out of this? Transitioning is impossible, not transitioning makes me hate myself, even the sole act of living has become absurd. I'm sorry if this whole post is a mess, I'm just writing my own thoughts without overly editing them as I'm worried I'll decide against posting if I spend too much time reading what I've written.