Tantric Massage with Happy Ending...Ruining chances of TTC
I don't feel like I can share this with my friends or family, so I feel very alone. It's very embarrassing to me. Like I did something wrong by not being a good enough wife. Logically I know that's not true, but emotionally it's how I feel. I'm the type of person that deals with things by talking about them. A lot of the posts in this subreddit are about cheating with long-term affair partners, or with some form of emotional attachment. So I almost feel like even guilty posting this here. Like my betrayal isn't bad enough?
What he did: My husband of 13 years went to Vegas for a guy's trip. He booked a tantric massage with a happy ending (hand job only) in his hotel room before the other guys came. He's never cheated on me before. And he's never done anything like this before. He also has pretty strong health anxiety, so it baffles me how he even let himself get this far. He immediately felt guilty afterwards. But he waited to tell me until he got home.
Extra context: He was in the hotel room I booked him, with extra points from my elderly Aunt's timeshare.
Also...His mom lives with us. And I don't want to share this with her because that's weird.Also.... We are actively trying to conceive, and he was supposed to come home and we were supposed to do an IUI to get pregnant (we already have 1 kid from IUI).. I'm older, so my time is running out. It was a hand job. But she spit on it. He was not expecting that. So out of concern of the potential disease, and obviously also feeling very betrayed, we didn't go through with it.
TTC: The day this happened I was already on my second day of fertility medication. He knew this.The day he got home and told me, I had just spent $250 on the injection to trigger ovulation. And I have to throw it away.
Grief: I should also mention that one of my best friends died almost a year ago and this is the week of her birthday. Her memorial was on Mother's Day a year ago. So the day he got back and told me, I had already been crying all day. He knew that, but he had to tell me then because it was time for the trigger shot and sex.
After I had like an hour alone and half a bottle of wine....He and I stayed up talking till 6:00 in the morning. He's never been good about talking about what he wants sexually. Which makes me very angry because I'm very open. Why did it take him cheating on me and forcing him to tell me these things to finally be able to open up? Apparently he has some things (kinks?) sexually that he's always been interested in and has just never shared them. I had him list every single kink he could possibly be interested in last night and list them to me. Nothing even sounded too wild. Not exactly vanilla, but it was all legal consensual stuff.
I think the part that I feel so betrayed about the most is that he had looked it up before he went to Vegas. That he was not trusting to tell me this interest. And that he ruined the potential for a second child for me. Like potentially forever. It was something that he had gotten fixated on I guess. He's a generally very logical and kind human. He thought of it as "transactional". This is way out of left field for him. I hate the fact that he didn't ask me. If he had told me he wanted to explore this I probably would have tried it.
I think it's the craziest thing how he could get so fixated on it that he didn't realize how bad he and I would feel afterwards. And how he "didn't even think" about the timing for me. That really makes me scared that he could get fixated on something different and not realize the consequences. I hate the fact that he didn't ever even tell me that trying massage was something he wanted to try. Like I feel like he didn't even trust me to tell his feelings. And now I have to deal with this completely alone.