Ex wifesaid shes in love w/me
So tldr: She broke it off after hormones. We lived together and been best friends since and it's been 3years. I told her I was dating someone and she's spiraled and now I just need to vent it out.
Fast tracking here- she was against me taking hrt. She was ok with me cross dressing as a compromise. I eventually broke after a decades long battle with suicidal tendencies, anger and just all the resentment and emotions.
I finally got hormones and that day she ended it. It wasn't emotional, we were struggling hard before this. We joked if we had a good sex life we'd have been the perfect couple. That was the only thing we weren't compatible with.
So we somehow grew closer as friends after that day. It was like a weight was lifted and life could be good. I didn't have expectations and neither did she. We were together because we enjoyed each other. We hung out and talked and grew closer without intimacy being on the table. Idk weird.
We don't hardly argue, we barely argued before the divorce other than with my gender and being intimate.
I've had hook ups since the break up and she's well aware. But recently decided I was ready to start dating again. I met someone who is so good for me. We match so well and I love her energy. Well now that I feel it's definitely going to work out or at minimum have a good chance of blossoming I told my ex.
She didn't take it well but masked and made it seem like it was whatever. This was a few days ago. Last night she asked if we could talk because she wasn't doing well.
During our talk we discussed our past feelings. How we sucked at communicating desires. Our regrets. Especially regretting we couldn't have made it work and choosing that over intimacy. I told her again how we have always been roommates who occasionally had bad sex. We talked about the things we could have done differently. This was a slow going at first conversation but turned very emotional. We talked for over 2 hrs and shed so many tears mixed with occasional laughs.
She said she never had it feel real. Like she knew it was, I had been with other ppl. But we personally hadn't changed much else in our lives. We even traveled to the EU and UK last year for 5 months.
So no it definitely didn't feel final even to me.
So now that I'm dating she's been thinking how she had to grieve so many stages of us. She grieved for the loss of the man she married. She had to grieve our divorce. She had to grieve when I started doing my own things. And I grieved losing her and so many tears shed.
But I am happy finally and she's seen that change in how I acted almost immediately from hormones and being myself.
But then she said it. It hurts her so much knowing I have a girlfriend and that I'm going to be spending my time with her. That she's losing her best friend. That she can't text or call as eventually we'll drift apart. She doesn't think I'll ever hangout with her and it is crushing her when it shouldn't be. We haven't been together. And that's when she realized she is still in love with me.
I told her I'm still in love with her too. I validated all her emotions because I feel them. I know I need to move on. But I also tried to make it clear that my gf knows I'm great friends with my ex. That I'll still see her, vacation with the family, call her etc. But my ex doesn't believe it.
She is so in love with me and I do feel the same. But I don't know if she thinks she'd want to try again.
I don't though. We tried and failed for over a decade. If we couldn't make it work then, then why would it work now?
My gf and myself are very compatible in the bedroom. I enjoy spending time with her.
But honestly personality wise no one will ever match my ex's.
She joked that the sex better be great cause she has all the personality, we laughed and I said now it's mediocre at best. Obviously lying.
But she laughed and said to move on then and find someone who fucks like a god.
But after a while we said all we could say. We said our regrets and wishes and now just have to officially move on with life. But she won't ever date again. I knew this and know this. It's just not who she is. I feel bad and we talked about it once again that I want that for her but understand she won't.
It sucks cause I am so in love with her and she is with me. I just can't go through with it again and I don't even know if she has the hope of trying one last time. Or if she just needed to get it out there and try to move on.
She also said she wished we hated each other, or had some powerful break up because this is far worse. It's easier to let go when you hate the ex. But we've never hated each other and so it makes it so much fucking harder.
K had to vent it out. Thanks for reading. Life's hard enough so just don't be a dick please