I (34F) want to explore my numerous kinks and tap into my substantial pent-up sexual energy but I have constraints. I suffer from CPTSD. It makes it hard for me to have sex or even form peaceful attachments (any attachment). I have impairing trauma responses that are hard to detect - I fawn, which means I perform to what might please the other person, while being entirely cut off from myself. Others that are very annoying - I get insecure to an extreme level. All of this obviously makes being a trustworthy person aware of their boundaries and limits very hard. I struggle to communicate unless I feel completely safe.
It’s a paradox, my desires and imagination know very little bounds, I have a filthy mind, but if I presented as myself in intimacy, I would look like a terrified little girl who shouldn’t be spooked. And instead, I present as a porn actress in bed, while not feeling a thing and mentally dropping dramatically for months in the aftermath, every time I have sex. I have actually stumbled upon some of my kinks in intimacy, but without prior negotiation, without safety or connection to the other person, I felt nothing but fear.
I am quite ahead on the healing path, I have been working really hard at facing my history, learning to take care of myself and become responsible of myself. I have been on a very long hiatus (no dating, no bonding, no sex). Now I would like to take the next step and start, very slowly, exploring. On top of my personal difficulties, I don’t know how to navigate the BDSM scene.
I’ve created an account on Fetlife ahead of hopefully having the courage to attend a munch, but I’m scared of picking roles and kinks:
- what if some things I only want in my head but not IRL,
- what if someone connects with me under the assumption I picked those roles knowingly, like an adult,
- what if I come across as childish because even basic things (such as kissing) I need to try again like I’m doing it for the first time if I want to truly rebuild.
Would it be weird to mention some of that on my bio? I wish I could write « hi I’m 34, I have a filthy mind and a boundless imagination, but I’m just learning how to be so I should be treated like I’m a fragile little thing, bear with me pls». But what if I don’t always want to be a little? I can actually be quite loud, outspoken, bossy even. I like being in charge too. I don’t submit easily even if I crave that. How do I bring all this up early on? I also know I cannot feel safe, aroused or be my filthy self unless I’ve built a deep connection to someone.
Also, can anyone relate and narrate how to negociate a session or scene while taking into account symptoms of PTSD? So taking into account how one might absolutely look like they’re consenting, when they’re absolutely not. I’m assuming it has to do with being able to tell whether the CPTSD person is aroused or not.
These things have been churning in my head for years and years, too painful to voice out. Posting here is a big deal for me, so it feels like I’ve already taken my next step. Thank you for reading!