I wish my Mother didn’t have me,
I wish I didn't have to live with the fact 
That my tiny hands and tiny feet
Put her on her dead bed.
I wish i didnt start breaking things 
Before I discovered my hands.

I wonder if this is the reason
Mother never hugged me. 
Never kissed my forehead
Never held my hands.

To be truthful, i am jealous,
Jealous of the people
Who is loved so dearly by their mother.
I say i never cared,
Because I never felt that love to ever miss it.
But when i see it,
When i see a child getting embraced by their mother
And kissed on the forehead,
I feel like something heals and breaks in me.

When I see someone crying because they want their mother,
I don’t know how to react, what to say.
What a feeling must it be right?
To know your mother will be there
There when you need her
Because she is the one who was supposed to love you
More than anyone in this world right?
I guess i will never understand that emotion
Because I never once needed my mom,
Or maybe she was never there, 
Maybe she was never someone I could run to.

I can’t fully blame her,
She didn't ask for me,
She didn't plan for me.
All the love she had
She already took a photograph of
And placed it in an album.
I am the reason she almost died.
How can someone love something
Knowing it almost killed them.

Sometimes i wonder,
If she had an option
To go back,
And get back the things she lost because of me,
I wonder if she would not have me.
If i could i would tell her not to have me.
I would tell her not to sacrifice so much for me
Because i wouldn’t be able to be the child
She would have loved
I would be a burden
A burden with tiny little hands and feet. 

I wish i was never born,
I wish Mother didn’t hate me so much.
I wish Mother never knew me.
I wish Mother never had me. 

Blood prickles out,
From the wide exit
I carved out my wrist.
The pain has long  gone numb.
But it doesn't stop bleeding,
It makes my mind panic
Trying to find the energy to undo this
But my heart?
It is finally at peace, i find myself smiling
A soft smile mixed with the tears 
They never seemed to see.

I wasn’t their flower,
I wasn’t the smart one
Or the one who worked hard.
I was the third one,
Always on the third stand
Always the one who just made it.
Always the one to get a bronze plate. 

Although, can I blame them?
After getting the two most pure metals,
Why would they want copper?
Why would they want something that is used
Because it is cheap.
I was cheap to them,
Something you could just get without planting a seed.

Maybe it happened so slowly, it built up so slowly
That i didn't realise it was cutting a vein one by one in my heart. 
Maybe my mind was clearing these thoughts,
Maybe this is why i read so much,
To get out of this book of thoughts.

They say the winner takes it all,
And call the second to win, a loser 
Who has to fall.
Well what about the third one?
It seemed that they loved the gold and silver 
Far more than the bronze.
I can’t blame them can I?
What would they do with such a metal
It wont get A stars,
It won't be valedictorian 
It won't be awarded.

But at least they kept it right?
They kept the bronze
That was kind right?
At least they didn't throw the bronze away,
Trashed away somewhere far.
Or is that what happened?
Always a bit distant from 
Gold and silver, so i dont dull the room
No one likes a failure,
No one likes me.

If no one likes me, 
If i am not valuable to this place
Am I not just dead weight?
I try, try, try.
But I can never be like them.
I can never be precious,
Never flaunted
Never proud of.

Maybe if i cant find that kind of love here
I find it somewhere else?
Maybe after i leave 
I won't be a liability anymore.
Maybe they will miss me?
Or will gold and silver shine more brighter
Because bronze isn't here to bleed the colour out of the room.

This makes me smile slightly more.
Maybe i will be burning a bit less in afterlife
Than here,
Maybe it would feel better to burn in fire
Then burn in the place you are supposed to call home.
Maybe the fire will burn away my skin,
And clean me off the bronze.
Maybe then i will become something
Something other than the third. 

I am standing by your door.
My fingers close to the bell
But instead of the bells going off
My hand stops.
I take a step back
And turn away.
I force my legs to walk away
Each step so heavy
It hurts to walk away.

There are many stars tonight.
You would be surprised to even see one
On normal days.
But today?
Today there are so many, too many.
It's scattered around the inky blue sky.
I stare at them long enough to memorise them.
Maybe this is the last thing i will see before 
Each piece of my soul,
Slowly fades into the shadows. 

I turn my head to look over at the willow tree.
Our initials carved into its heart.
A soft smile touches my lips,
Though it vanishes fast.
I take a deep breath
And step closer to the railing of the bridge.
I see the water, so many secrets it holds.
It seems to dare me to join them.
To be a part of them.

I think, I think harder than 
I had before I came here.
I look up at the sky again
As if the stars would tell me what to do.
I look over to the moon too,
Not knowing if its that last time
I would see that ethereal rock.

I try to remember 
your face for the last time.
My eyes close,
As i see you again
Running around the forest.
Daring me to catch you.
My hands raise
Touching the air
As if it were you.
I open my eyes again
Your voice is ringing in my ears.
I smile at that.
I smile and laugh loudly.
I remember how you pronounced my name,
How you couldn’t say it at the first try
And how beautiful your smile was.

I remember every part of you.
I memorise it well enough to remember
On the other side. 
I press my hands to my face
Fingers digging into my face.
I look down once again
And the river doesn’t look so angry anymore
It looks so peaceful,
As if it is promising me something.

So I took the dare.
I push my body up
I move over the railing and step onto the little ground there is.
A strong breeze follows,
Enough to make me lose balance
But I stayed still.

I look back
I see the tree again
I squint and see those faint writings,
Then i stare up at the sky
The stars, they seem to be spelling your name.

Yet I don't turn back.
I let myself fall
And when the cold water embraces my body
I dont panic, i dont cry out.
I let it hold me close.
I let it drown me.
I go into deep sleep,
With your name still in between my lips.
It tastes sweet,
But then the water washes it away.

And even if it was for one minute,
I would carve my heart out 
And place it on your palm.
I would ask you to take care of it,
Hold it close, as its a vessel 
Of all the memories we have made
And the ones I couldn't protect

When, i heard your voice,
I knew I would never be able 
To erase it from my soul. 
Though, now you are not here
And I am desperate, 
Desperate and starved for another minute with you.
I want to hear that voice
I want to hear your voice calling my name
So very sweetly, so very gently. 

If you only knew what i would do,
What i would do to spend another sixty seconds with you,
But I can't face you, I can't face you with the truth.
The truth it haunts me
All those lies
And it's my fault.
I am the reason I suffered so much.
Like they say, “A lie has no legs.”
I should have listened. 

I wish i could turn back time,
And i wish i could have stopped my steps
And turned before I walked into your life.
Forgive me for leaving, without ever explaining.
I am not strong enough.
I don’t have what it takes to face you.

Yet i still wish to speak to you one last time,
Only so I can disappear like I never existed. 
I wish to hear that voice mail one more time,
I want to read your confession one more time. 
I want to go back, even if only for sixty seconds. 

I am sorry, for being so selfish.
I am sorry I robbed you of the truth. 
I am sorry I couldn’t tell you why I left you.
Why am I gone, without a word. 

You didn’t love at the wrong time,
You loved the wrong person.
I should have stopped it, I should have stopped you,
Before you believed in me.
I knew the consequences 
But I still reached to hold your hand. 

So, if i ever meet you
In this life.
I hope you forget me
I hope you forget my name,
My laughter and my odd jokes.
I hope you don’t remember my face
I hope your heart has erased every single memory there was.
I am not deserving of a place in your heart.
Not even as a memory. 
I wish we never met,
 I wish you never met that version of me.. 

I wonder what is waiting for me.
What am I to do?
What is the purpose of me?
What if I am just a disease?
I don’t add anything good to this world,
Rather, am something that should be removed

It hurts,
It hurts when you have no purpose
It hurts to wake up every morning,
Watching people walking towards their future
Working hard.
Whereas i am just here,
Breathing and existing.

They say, you are supposed to have a calling,
For yourself and your future
But I have been standing,
By the telephone booth, for hours.
Where is my calling?
I have been sitting for hours, with a ticket in my hand

I try to force it
I pull at the door knob
I scratch the glass,
I yell at the box that holds my future.

It doesn’t respond.
Nothings screams my name,
Nothing calls for me.
What if this is the message?
What if this is what confirms it?
Am I disease?
But, I am just a human. 
I am a child,
What do you expect of me?

What do you expect from someone who forgets to breathe?
Am I supposed to know everything?
Am I supposed to know how to play this game?
But there was never any instructions,
How can you throw me into the world, 
And expect me to know how to build it up. 
I never asked for this. 
But you forced me,
And now I am here,
Waiting for my calling
But the door of the telephone booth is locked. 

How can I trust you?
You gave me everything
You expanded the horizons 
To my night sky
And then one by one
You threw the stars out.
Then you blocked the moon,
Blocked the light to shine.
But it's okay, right?
It doesn't always have to glow
That is life, isn’t it?

But then you restricted the air,
You only let a few breaths
Through, just enough to keep me alive.
Though, I should be alright right?
At least you are allowing me something?
You are letting me survive. 
That's something right?
It shows me you still care. 

I am sorry, 
I am sorry for asking for too much.
But now it's getting hard,
I can’t breathe anymore
I want to gasp for air
But there isn’t enough.
I want to run away, find another sky
I want to see the moon, I want to see the stars
I want to live properly. I want to breathe. 

Yet i stay,
I stay because,
You tell me you love me
And i believe you
You wouldn’t hurt me,
You wouldn't want me to suffer
Am I right?
You wouldn’t be that cruel to me.
You love me. 

My hands are, cracking,
My bones are thin and they brittle
Enough for it to break. 
I feel my life, my youth
Shedding, breaking away
From my skin as if it weren’t allowed to be mine.
But you will save me right?
You love me right?

My eyes flicker,
I can’t keep them open.
I stare up at the sky.
There are no more shining stars,
The moon has been absent for far too long.
It’s so dark.
I always loved that about the night sky.
But now I hate it, I despise it.
I miss the sun, I miss the clear blue sky.
I miss the fresh air. 

Did I make a mistake?
Did I make a mistake, choosing you
Over myself
My life.
But you told me you loved me
Why would you lie to me?
I look over to you, but you aren’t there
You haven’t been for a long time.

Now my eyes are closing,
The horizons are getting smaller,
I feel my breaths getting shorter than it already was.
You never loved me.
Now I know,
However, now it's far too late.
It’s too late for me.

And when death is near,
When it reaches me,
And stops before my door,
I hope he is kind. 
Kinder than them. 

Maybe I will find solace within him. 
Maybe he will embrace me,
Embrace the cracks, the torn skin,
The bleeding wrists, and the poison,
That sits on the tip of my tongue.

He is here,
The doorbell rings.
The soft hum of the air conditioner stops.
The lights turn down softly.
He enters slowly,
Sits on the edge of the bed gently,
As if it would break, if not taken care of.
He looks at me,
Not with pity, rather fondness.
Something I never saw in someone’s eyes for me.

He isn’t ugly, he doesn't carry a scythe.
His face, it isn't just bones.
He has porcelain skin, it's like glass.
Tiredness fills under his eyes,
But he doesn’t forget to smile.
His smile is raw, unfiltered, it's true.

I ask him,
If he knows about the things people say about him,
He smiles again.
He tells me,
If he listened so very often, 
What humans said about him,
How they viewed him,
He wouldn’t have had
The little light he carries within him,
For his patients, for the children,
For the dead. 
He tells me about his grief,
How it hurts him to hear about our suffering 
If he listened to how we portray him,
He would have lost his sanity,
His peace. 

This surprises me
How can some entity be so human?
How can he, who has no soul,
Have so much humanity. 
I look at him,
Really look at him.

I ask him if it is my time. 
I ask him if he is here for me.
His head tilts, and he shakes it softly.
He tells me he can’t take me yet.
He tells me, i still have a purpose,
That i don’t belong to the dark 

I ask him, “Why did you come here then”
He looks at me, gently studying me.
He explains, that he wanted to remind me,
That life is better than the darkness.
He wanted to remind me that 
I still have work left in the world,
I still have pages to turn and
Stories to read.
It is too early for me. 

He stands up.
Turns around
And walks to the door.
As he opens the door and looks back at me.
I smile.
I smile at him with tears in my eyes.
I don’t have the power to thank him,
But I hope he knows.
With a slow nod and a smile he closes the door.
I was right, Death is kind. 

But it isn’t my turn to die yet, I have pages to turn,
Stories to read. 
Maybe when I see him again,
I will tell him, i will thank him
And then step into the shadows. 
Death is kind. 

-original poetry by me

What more do we have to go through?
Isn’t this enough?
When will we ever find the peace,
We so desperately crave?
When will they let us live, 
In a world without fear?

We wait for the world to change their mindset
We sit and wait for centuries,
Saying the future will be better for us.
When will it stop being our fault?
Why is it blamed on the clothes we wear?
Why is that i was just being kind, 
That I invited you in?

They say, “she provoked me”
With what?
What did she do?
Why can’t they let anyone live in peace?
What did she ever do?
What should we tell the mother of a child, when this happens.
What should we tell the parents, 
When the monster still roams the streets,
Without a worry. 

Why do we always bear the pain?
When will it stop being our fault?
Why was it ever our fault?
Why aren't they ever held accountable?
Why do i have to think twice or even thrice,
Before wearing something outside.
So that I don’t catch their eye.

So the next time they say 
“Not all men”
I want them think about all the
370 million women and children,
How they so eagerly waited for justice, 
But only a few were served those plates. 
And some were not even there to witness it. 

So the next time you hear women say,
“I would choose the bear”
Don’t act surprised. 
It's for monsters like them. 
We can only ever truly be, 
Safe, happy, secure is in the afterlife right? 
Because they won't give us the freedom 
To experience that while we are still living.
They won't let us live. 

-original work by me

What more do we have to go through?
Isn’t this enough?
When will we ever find the peace,
We so desperately crave?
When will they let us live, 
In a world without fear?

We wait for the world to change their mindset
We sit and wait for centuries,
Saying the future will be better for us.
When will it stop being our fault?
Why is it blamed on the clothes we wear?
Why is that i was just being kind, 
That I invited you in?

They say, “she provoked me”
With what?
What did she do?
Why can’t they let anyone live in peace?
What did she ever do?
What should we tell the mother of a child, when this happens.
What should we tell the parents, 
When the monster still roams the streets,
Without a worry. 

Why do we always bear the pain?
When will it stop being our fault?
Why was it ever our fault?
Why aren't they ever held accountable?
Why do i have to think twice or even thrice,
Before wearing something outside.
So that I don’t catch their eye.

So the next time they say 
“Not all men”
I want them think about all the
370 million women and children,
How they so eagerly waited for justice, 
But only a few were served those plates. 
And some were not even there to witness it. 

So the next time you hear women say,
“I would choose the bear”
Don’t act surprised. 
It's for monsters like them. 
We can only ever truly be, 
Safe, happy, secure is in the afterlife right? 
Because they won't give us the freedom 
To experience that while we are still living.
They won't let us live. 

-original work by me

I told them to leave.
Leave me alone.
The voices.
It's loud, unforgiving.
The pain gnaws at me.
My hands are cut off.
They chop my fingers one by one.

Why? Why would you do that to me?
Why did you strip me of my serenity?
Why won't you speak?
The smell of my own blood,
It a reminder,
A reminder of everything you did to me.

When you bring me the bowl
Full of the my fingers chopped up,
And say sorry.
What do you expect of me?
That I will just glue it back together?
But I don't have the power to,
How will i put it back together 
Once it has been taken from me?

So, when i am older
Don't ask me why,
Why i am so cruel
Why do I have so much hatred embedded in my heart?
Just know, this is your doing
You are the reason I am like this.
You created me, you made me like this.
I am the result of this enmity and hatred you have.

When i look back,
I will not sympathize you,
I won't recognize you
Because my hands,
Will still be cracked, rough and flawed.
These are your doings,
The scars you gave me
It will always remain there
Reminding me, every step of the way,
What you did to me
And what you would still do if I let you.

They spent years
Building this,
Building me
And now?
They played Victor’s role
And I have become their new monster. 
I don’t feel sorrow anymore, I don't feel empathy,
I don't feel anything for you.. 

I hope,
The next time you look into my eyes
You won't see the helpless beat up child
I hope you see,
The pain you inflicted on to me,
I yearn for the day, your mind
Replays everything you did,
Every bone you broke
Every time you made me swallow poison.
And when you do
I hope you break, 
Break like glass.
When you shatter, I won't be there.
I won't be there to see it,

But I will always pray for it. 
And when that happens,
I wont smile
But I won't cry.
I will be the same
However, I will finally be at peace
Knowing what you did to me
Made its way back to you
The worst possible way.
Its your own fault
You made me like this. 

And when death is near,
When it reaches me,
And stops before my door,
I hope he is kind. 
Kinder than them. 

Maybe I will find solace within him. 
Maybe he will embrace me,
Embrace the cracks, the torn skin,
The bleeding wrists, and the poison,
That sits on the tip of my tongue.

He is here,
The doorbell rings.
The soft hum of the air conditioner stops.
The lights turn down softly.
He enters slowly,
Sits on the edge of the bed gently,
As if it would break, if not taken care of.
He looks at me,
Not with pity, rather fondness.
Something I never saw in someone’s eyes for me.

He isn’t ugly, he doesn't carry a scythe.
His face, it isn't just bones.
He has porcelain skin, it's like glass.
Tiredness fills under his eyes,
But he doesn’t forget to smile.
His smile is raw, unfiltered, it's true.

I ask him,
If he knows about the things people say about him,
He smiles again.
He tells me,
If he listened so very often, 
What humans said about him,
How they viewed him,
He wouldn’t have had
The little light he carries within him,
For his patients, for the children,
For the dead. 
He tells me about his grief,
How it hurts him to hear about our suffering 
If he listened to how we portray him,
He would have lost his sanity,
His peace. 

This surprises me
How can some entity be so human?
How can he, who has no soul,
Have so much humanity. 
I look at him,
Really look at him.

I ask him if it is my time. 
I ask him if he is here for me.
His head tilts, and he shakes it softly.
He tells me he can’t take me yet.
He tells me, i still have a purpose,
That i don’t belong to the dark 

I ask him, “Why did you come here then”
He looks at me, gently studying me.
He explains, that he wanted to remind me,
That life is better than the darkness.
He wanted to remind me that 
I still have work left in the world,
I still have pages to turn and
Stories to read.
It is too early for me. 

He stands up.
Turns around
And walks to the door.
As he opens the door and looks back at me.
I smile.
I smile at him with tears in my eyes.
I don’t have the power to thank him,
But I hope he knows.
With a slow nod and a smile he closes the door.
I was right, Death is kind. 

But it isn’t my turn to die yet, I have pages to turn,
Stories to read. 
Maybe when I see him again,
I will tell him, i will thank him
And then step into the shadows. 
Death is kind. 

I am losing, 
I can’t keep going. 
I can’t hold back,
I can't hold back the thoughts
I can't breathe

Someone pull the trigger
Free me from this.
What is this game
I want to quit
I admit defeat.
What else do you want?
What else could you possibly desire?
Isn't it enough you have me at your feet
Bleeding through my eyes and ears.

I can't move,
I can't breathe
Let go
Let me go
Please free me
Free the child who wants to go back to how it was.
Free the child who wants to go back.
Pull me back, hold me close and please end it soon. 

Now my breathing is slowing
Are you finally showing me heaven?
Am I going to be up there? 
Or will you just give me a taste of what i desire,
And pull me back just as I am about to grab it? 
Will you do that to me?
Will you?

What more do we have to go through?
Isn’t this enough?
When will we ever find the peace,
We so desperately crave?
When will they let us live, 
In a world without fear?

We wait for the world to change their mindset
We sit and wait for centuries,
Saying the future will be better for us.
When will it stop being our fault?
Why is it blamed on the clothes we wear?
Why is that i was just being kind, 
That I invited you in?

They say, “she provoked me”
With what?
What did she do?
Why can’t they let anyone live in peace?
What did she ever do?
What should we tell the mother of a child, when this happens.
What should we tell the parents, 
When the monster still roams the streets,
Without a worry. 

Why do we always bear the pain?
When will it stop being our fault?
Why was it ever our fault?
Why aren't they ever held accountable?
Why do i have to think twice or even thrice,
Before wearing something outside.
So that I don’t catch their eye.

So the next time they say 
“Not all men”
I want them think about all the
370 million women and children,
How they so eagerly waited for justice, 
But only a few were served those plates. 
And some were not even there to witness it. 

So the next time you hear women say,
“I would choose the bear”
Don’t act surprised. 
It's for monsters like them. 
We can only ever truly be, 
Safe, happy, secure is in the afterlife right? 
Because they won't give us the freedom 
To experience that while we are still living.
They won't let us live. 

They are back.
I see them before me.
There are dark figures dancing around my room.
Their eyes hollow.
Distorted faces.
Bright red scars around their necks. 

I stay still.
I stare right back at them.
They stop,
They stop dancing, 
They stop laughing
They stare right back. 

I look into their eyes, 
I don’t know what is keeping me grounded.
Is it that I am used to this?
Or the fact that I have no option but to endure?
I don't know,
Maybe I will never know.

My surroundings start to convulse,
The ground starts to rise
But they stay still
They look at me blankly
Their ugly faces mix with the scars.
Everything starts to break,
But they stay still
They watch me. 

Just as my composure breaks and I gasp for air,
Not realizing I have been holding it.
They erupt as one, baying at me.
My skin cracks, 
It doesn't tear
It cracks like glass. 
Blood pours out of my neck.
Scars follow,
They draw onto my face.

Now I am one of them.
Distorted face,
Bright red scars around my neck,
And hollow eyes.
How did this happen to me?
I thought I could endure it
But now,
Now I am no different. 

I am scared to close my eyes.
I am scared to lose vision of everything I have before me
What if my conscience betrays me?
What if when I rest, something does not follow through?
Can I close my eyes?
Why is there so much unwanted fear
That did I not ask for?
Why is it so dark?
Why can't I trust it?
Why, why, why.

Why am I counting the seconds until I can look back?
What if I am betrayed?
What if I lose it all?
Will there be anyone to give it all back to me?
Or do I have to pull it thread by thread,
Sewing it back with my bleeding fingers.
Why can’t I sleep, why can’t I close my eyes?
Why, why, why.

Ignore it, but I can’t.
Why do I count each breath?
I am scared, I am so scared,
But I won't tell them that.
Just go to sleep, everything will quiet down soon.
Just go, go go.
Leave me be.

The silence,
It's consuming.
Its consuming every part of me
It slips in between my limbs, 
It stays within me
Growing each day.

It shows me how scary 
But beautiful it can be.
It tempts me
But if I go closer will it swallow me as a whole?
Will i be able to pull myself back

It tells me not to worry,
But i dont know how not to care
I care so much 
But it wouldn't hurt to fall for a while right?
I will be able to pull myself back, right?

As I make my decision,
To rest
To fall into it
The hands come up from behind me
One wraps around my eyes 
And the other around my mouth
I lose my vision, my words.

Was it really worth it?
Something whispers into me
Just as i realise,
There will be no more,
Sunsets to watch,
No more books to read
No more seeing the face of my friends
No more of life.

Just as I hold onto the little light left,
Just as i realise maybe this isnt how i want it to end.
It pulls me back harder
It holds me close
Tells me not to worry
It will all quiet down
It will always be silent. 
It will always be dark. 

I am losing, 
I can’t keep going. 
I can’t hold back,
I can't hold back the thoughts
I can't breathe

Someone pull the trigger
Free me from this.
What is this game
I want to quit
I admit defeat.
What else do you want?
What else could you possibly desire?
Isn't it enough you have me at your feet
Bleeding through my eyes and ears.

I can't move,
I can't breathe
Let go
Let me go
Please free me
Free the child who wants to go back to how it was.
Free the child who wants to go back.
Pull me back, hold me close and please end it soon. 

Now my breathing is slowing
Are you finally showing me heaven?
Am I going to be up there? 
Or will you just give me a taste of what i desire,
And pull me back just as I am about to grab it? 
Will you do that to me?
Will you?