u/Crazy_Speaker3316

I split up with my long-term partner 5 years ago after recovering from depression. He had been verbally abusive to me on several occasions sometimes in front of our son and I didn't feel like I could stay in that type of relationship. However I realised 3 years ago that he had been holding everything together. So despite the negatives, my son and I really needed him. I'm in another period of depression now and struggling to look after our son. So I spoke to him to ask if there's any way he'd consider a reconciliation but he's long since moved on and in a good relationship now. I don't know what I'm expecting anyone to say as it's all my fault, but I'm struggling to see how I can hold it together without him. I can't cope with the guilt and regret.

I'm in my 40s and I've suffered from depression/ anxiety on and off since I was in my 20s. Between spells I'm optimistic, caring, loving, but I've realised I have some serious underlying issues.
I had a really good job ($100k) but I left it last year because I was struggling to meet standards. I got a decent pay out and started to look at self employment. I realised quite quickly that I wouldn't be able to make self employment work but by that time I was a mess with the depression and haven't been able to look for a job. No medication or therapy has ever helped me. I think the reason I get depressed is because I'm useless and empty. I don't understand finances, I struggle to buy clothes, I'm not good at cooking, I don't have hobbies, I don't know what music or TV shows I like, I can't understand social media. I struggle to connect with people. I'm not good at cleaning or laundry or home improvements or gardening. I'm not good with change. I mask all of this when I'm not depressed. But now that I'm in this hole with no job I have nothing to distract me and I'm feeling desperate. I have family members who are supportive but they're getting exasperated. I've stopped going food shopping and prepping meals because it makes me too anxious, so I'm reliant on family. I'm struggling to shower and I have hardly any clothes and I can't work out how to buy any or what would look ok. I have a teenage son and he is finding it really hard living with me while I'm like this. I take my son to school but apart from that I mainly just sit in silence because there's nothing else I can do. I feel like every decision I've made has been wrong. Every day I feel like I'm dying, I'm terrified all the time. Waking up all through the night terrified and drenched in sweat. I feel like I'm in this position because I've realised how useless I am and I'm struggling to go on. I feel like I'm the only person in the world like this. Please let me know if any of this makes sense.