Hey guys, here’s a long back story me and my husband have been married for 5 years now, and we both grew up in a religious house hold, me more so. We were very young when we got married, and I have a lot of trauma growing up. I don’t know what vaginismums was and never heard of it but when I first got fingered it absolutely killed (only the tip of the finger went it) I freaked out so badly and started doing loads of research and then I messaged my sister who told me about the condition. In the first year of our marriage we were living separately and I was still living at my parents house (so I ordered dilators but was very embarrassed to use them) my dad literally told me and my husband before marriage that we can’t have sleepovers till we move out?? (No sex) he didn’t want me to fall pregnant I guess.
Anyways over time me and husband started having may many problems and they have all built up. He’s got undiagnosed adhd to top all of that up and it’s made marriage really really hard. I’ve told my family that I’m sturughling and normally in situations like this the reach out to his parents. But his parents are divorced/ one lives on the other side of the world with his own new family and one lives here but she’s got her own family now. He’s the only child from both him and his parents (he’s got a lot of childhood trauma too that’s showing up in our relationship) he’s young so I can’t expect him to be excelling in life but he’s crashing without the right mental health support, we’ve been in couples counselling and psychosexual therapy. He was very supportive of my condition first two years and then I think it took a toll on him cause I wasn’t very into my dilator routine cause it would hurt so bad. Earlier this year I got a hymenotomy and Botox done privately which cost a bomb and now I’m able to get the biggest dialator in!! So proud of my self! But he’s very run down and not in the right headspace for sex at the moment. Due to him struggling with his mental health a lot I reached out to his uncles wife that I’m very close to. As his uncles live near us they’re like his dad to him. I have a good relationship with his wife and I just explained everything including the reasons we got married (we both were unhealed at the time) and where we are now, I’m looking for structure and stability and he’s very confused cause his brain is scattered. He’s got family trauma of people calling him useless his whole life and a whole lot more. So I just wanted to speak to her to see if she had any perspective cause she watched him grow up and any advice. She said if it was okay with me she will speak to her husband and see if they can do anything to support him. I was happy with that cause I feel like with couples therapy cause he’s struggling him self he can’t give his everything to it. Before the convo ended I told her about my vaginismus and then she was like so you guys haven’t had sex at all? (She used the words fully intimate) and then I was like no and she reached out and hugged me and said that must’ve been so hard for both of you. So then she said I’ll just say you guys also had bedroom issues to her husband and was like yeah that’s fine cause I mean it’s good to be transparent otherwise we’re only solving half the issue. The reason why reached out to his family is cause about two years go I felt really mentally unwell I went into this anxiety spiral psychosis thing and my family took over in taking care of me. So he really need support from his own family too if he’s struggling mentally. But when I next spoke to his aunt after our last convo she told me that she told husband they’re having bedroom issues along withe everything else and he was like a lot of couples have bedroom issues and then she was like no it’s not just that they haven’t been fully intimate. So when she told me she said that embarrassment flooded me. But I was cool with her and acted like that didn’t bother me But since then I feel so embarrassed that his uncle knows that personal detail about me. I’m not angry that she told him that, because I do think it’s huge contributor to our marriage issues and my husbands mental health issues but I didnt expect her to say anything aside from bedroom issues. We go to their house quite regularly so I’m even more embarrassed now to come face to face with this and with his uncle. Her husbands reaction to her saying that was that he went very quiet and said why weren’t we told about his before (like bruh I’ve been sexually shamed my whole life so you think it’s easy for me to just tell everyone I can’t have sex) so anyways I told her in response to that more about vaginismus and I educated her and I told her that’s it’s not easy to come forward about this and she said I know and I’m not blaming you and she validated how I was feeling. I guess I can’t get past the embarrassment that my husband’s uncle knows, apart from that only my sister and brother know. I’ve been so embarrassed to talk about it but I keep telling my self that’s what causes vaginismus in the first place so stop being embarrassed, I guess I’m just typing all this to see if anyone else had it worse or I’m not the only one. Sorry for the long message needed to give context.