I only have a few days left with him and I don't know how I'm going to handle this loss
I don't know if anyone will read this but I need to get it out of my system, and I'm sorry it's so long. I'm feeling so much right now.
I've had Zero now for almost 13 years. In January of this year at his annual appointment I asked the vet to take a look at a small mass growing in his mouth. He recommended we bring him back in if it grew any larger. Cut to the beginning of March and we finally had an appointment to have the mass removed. The surgery was mostly successful but the surgeon could see that whatever sickness was causing the mass to grow was still slightly present in his throat. The mass was sent off for a biopsy but we thought everything would be mostly good and we'd see if it grew back what the rate was. We figured we would probably see it again in 6 months or so.
The biopsy results came back as melanoma. Unfortunately we couldn't afford radiation but we got him started on the melanoma vaccine. After the second dose, the mass had grown back. It had only been 7 weeks since the surgery. On the day of the appointment for the third dose of the vaccine we spoke to the vet and agreed to stop it. She had said at that point we probably had 1-3 months left with him. We asked what would happen if it got infected like it did the first time and she said we could treat it with antibiotics but even if it seemed to go away it would almost definitely become infected again and would likely be that way till the end. That's what happened before the surgery. That was last Wednesday. By Saturday the mass had become infected and my partner and I agreed this means we're just about at the end of our time with Zero.
We got some antibiotics, enough for 10 days, and today I started the second half of it. I think I only have a week left with him. He moved to Canada with me. When he was a puppy I thought I'd have an endless number of days with him. Because we lived in Jamaica at the time, every day was like a summer day. It always felt like we'd never run out of summer days together.
I feel this pain like in my body. I feel the sadness so strongly it makes me want to throw up. Even when I feel like I’m doing okay it just feels like I’m standing on the thinnest layer of ice and there’s this endless depth of sadness like dark water just beneath me. I’m just so sad I feel like I’m breaking.
I am worried about my other dog, Leon. Leon is older than Zero and has been with him every day since Zero came home. There have been days I haven't been with them - when I've gone on vacation or work trips - but Leon has never been without Zero. I don't know how he is going to carry on. And I don't know how I'm going to carry on. I am going to do my best to be there for Leon because I know he'll need that of me but I don't know how I'm going to do this.
My partner and I never wanted kids, but these dogs have been my kids, they've been our kids. I feel like I raised them. How do we get through this?