u/Cream4389

Also why do some people think that it's the home owners who are the arsonists especially if there are security cameras there?

To start, I did read the siblings without rivalry book.

I was raised by a mom who showed strong favouritism towards my younger sibling which led me to build a lot of resentment towards both of them. Our relationships aren't great. I try my best to treat my children equally.

I have an almost 4 and 2 year old boys. Sometimes they get along, sometimes they don't, which is pretty typical. What I am having trouble with is the behaviour of my older son towards the younger one. He doesn't seem to like little bro, he doesn't verbalize this but I can tell through his actions and it breaks my heart.

For example, they have free access to our backyard from our living room, there is a bug net and a glass door they have to open to get through. 4 year old is strong enough to open both doors but 2 year old can only open bug net. 4 year old knows 2 year old likes to follow him in and out of the house. When they go out, 4 year old will quickly come back in and slam the bug net shut instead of waiting for 2 year old to come back before closing it. Worse today - he closed both bug net and glass door. I calmly told him to not close glass door otherwise 2 year old cannot come back in and then I open it. Then he locks bug net from inside preventing 2 year old from opening it. Again I calmly tell him to not do that and unlock and open the door to let 2 year old in. As he is coming in through the door frame, 4 year old starts using physical force to block 2 year old with his whole body and arms. Again I try my best to remain clam and helping 2 year old come in then I see 4 year old one upped me and shoving his fist at 2 year old's face, pushing his head back out. Then I lost it and screamed at him and quickly brought 2 year old into my arms and held him and comforted him. And then every time I lose my cool my 4 year old immediately cries as well (2 year old would be crying at this point) and tells me to hold and comfort him too but of course I refuse and I tell him I didn't like his behaviour, that he cannot hurt little bro like that and that I am disappointed at him.

After the accident I try to ask him why he didn't like little bro to come in and he couldn't tell me. He's not great at verbalizing his feelings/actions. I've said then why did you lock the door and push him, he said he didn't. Anyways the conversation went nowhere. Although a bit afterwards he said he didn't close the door on little bro when they went out to the backyard again, which was true. But of course a bit afterwards he tried to hurt him another way.

Another example - he was ramming little bro's head with a luggage, I told him to stop and he kept doing it. I bring little bro to a safer space and he followed and continued to try to do it. So I walk away with little bro and he breaks down crying wanting me to hold him and comfort him and I refuse again, explaining to him that I didn't like his behaviour just now.

When little bro brings him something like water, or offer him a toy, or ask for a high five, he rejects EVERY single time no matter what, even if they are not fighting. If I or dad offer him the same thing at the same time, he will accept. It breaks my heart because little bro loves him but if they continue on this behaviour, little bro will stop trying to engage with big bro and their relationship will fall apart.

Now this all seems like he's fighting for attention, but I try to give them equal attention. I am the main caregiver and 2 year old doesn't nap so I don't have a lot of opportunity for one on one time with 4 year old. Neither of them are in school or daycare. In the occasional times my husband is with our younger son or vice versa, we show him lots of love and affection.

I feel like I am handling his misbehaviour incorrectly because multiple times a day he physically hurts little bro. I tried ignoring him, yelling, calmly explaining, all these things might work momentarily but he'll try to do hurtful things again in the next hour. How do I deal with this and his rejection towards little bro?