i got cheated on over 2 years ago. my bf and my bsf. i've dated since and i'm happy. no trust issues nothing. but i've been into loa recently trying to build my self-concept and all and it's like im facing myself from back then. the broken, sad, me.
i keep looking back into it as if its some case to crack. i read my diary from then and my ex was truly horrid but i wrote about him like he was the best. i was genuinely just a kid so in love and i was so vulnerable and true and naive.
I also romanticized it a lot despite how he cld be. It was my first relationship. Puppy love ig but he had very….non-loving intentions with me that i misunderstood at the time. Our relationship was heavily sexualized and that broke me in a way after but i rebuilt those broken bits of myself.
now i've moved so far past it all and i find myself looking him up, not to contact at all ever, but just to understand smth. like i'd missed something back then or smth. idrk. and her. i keep seeing her in my dreams. like we're friends again. she's always been an extremely sore topic since all this and wnv it comes up i do express disdain. especially cus she never tried to make amends with me and take accountability.
and it's been over 2 years and i'm talking to my bf about our future and i'm so happy with him but this creeps up on me so often. the ex i mentioned? it's like he stole my personality. parts of me i'd shared back then. my songs, my interests, all of those. my way of talking. it's so eerie. idky all these thoughts are surfacing now tho. can someone please tell me why?
And in between these 2 years there was a point where he was stalking my pinterest and he had a new gf and i told her friend cus i felt guilty like i was doing smth wrong to not do so. I found out he was serialy cheating on her. And that friend of hers made ME talk to the girl for some reason and we did and she told me he speaks highly of me and whatnot which again made me feel so…..icky. soo icky. But that’s just one of the stories. He’s haunted me a lot since. And the bsf has as well. We were part of a friend group so i’ve gone for hangouts with her presence since. And it’s always been awkward. I ended up unfollowing her cause i would keep looking her up randomly as well. That was a long while ago.
My main point is i’m finding an urge to reclaim my things. my fav singer from back then. my playlists. my pictures, my words, hobbies, all of it. life got so busy in uni i kinda lost myself from then ig and it's so so terrible to see someone else live as that version of me. i don't understand these feelings and idw tell anyone about it. not from my life rn i mean. i don't want to act hurt cus it's not HIM that i'm hurting over. it's me. something. something.