I know something about my mother that I shouldn’t.
I want to warn that this post could be triggering for some.
Hi, I’m just getting right into it. I (Trans man, 20) have always had a close relationship with my mother (she’s in her late forties) and I have been told on multiple occasions I look like and even act like her. I grew up in a violate, abusive and tense environment but I have always been my mother’s rock/therapist despite the abuse. She has a tendency to fall for toxic and emotionally inept men, especially after losing the love of her life. This has caused me countless issues, some of which include sexual assault, verbal abuse, and a distrust for most people.
My mother had a horrible childhood and lost connection with most her siblings and family but over the past few years she has reconnected with them. My uncle (he’s in his mid thirties) most prominently. He moved across the country to reconnect with her. I don’t trust or like him at all, he’s also disabled and relies on my mother for a lot of things.
Around two years ago I was using my mother’s phone to send a message to my uncle (she was driving and I often write out her messages for her) and I discovered sexual & flirty texts between them. This discovery was harrowing but almost expected. Her and my uncle have always been touchy, and it was a running joke that he was in love with her. I kept it to myself because I knew exposing it would destroy everything (including my mother’s already fragile marriage). I have experienced keeping secrets from her for my own survival.
I did make sure to collect (at least some) evidence of their relationship as time passed. However, over the next two years they seemed to slowly stop the relationship, my uncle even dated one or two people but it was clear my mother was jealous. My mother’s marriage eventually fell apart and my step father left, so I was left living alone with my mother. My uncle would come over quite often and whine about missing her, this made me uncomfortable but I repressed the discomfort and acted normal. I tried to ignore it, letting myself believe that it was over and nothing was happening between them. That was until a week ago when I heard them having sex in my mother’s room (right after I left). This sent me into a spiral and that night was one of the worst breakdowns i’ve ever had but I dissociated it all away, as I usually do, and forced myself to sleep. Since then I have moved out into an RV but it is still close to my mother’s house.
As of right now she is my only form of income (I was laid off from my first job not too long ago.) I come over to her house and clean, she pays me $100 a week. I plan to get a job when I turn 21 this summer, I’ll save money, move away, and pursue a further college education. I already have $14,000 saved but I was hoping to use it on top surgery. I’m not sure how much longer I can pull of this act but I feel like I have to. Lastly, some part of me still wishes to love her and still enjoys the bond we share but I know it’s all fake and eventually it’ll crumble. I’m just scared to lose her after everything, despite knowing I cannot have her in my life. So what can I do?