Im 19M, finishing up my first freshman year in college. Im considering swapping my major from a BS in Chemistry to a BS in Biology, but im not sure if i should. Like, im worried im jsut trying to swap because im stressed? Its finals week and just...im not doing well at all.
Im currently taking Quantitative Analysis/Analytical chem, and i had the though recently that like, this is...all im going to be doing for the rest of the major. Its just all math, and im horrible at it. I dont know if im lazy or exceptionally stupid, because its all my fault im failing. I cant study. I can think about working all day and thinking about opening my book and studying and when it comes time to do it, i just cant.
I just end up sitting there, or getting distracted (like not even on the phone, just randomly getting up or staring at my wall), and even when i dont, im sitting there, head in my hands with an awful headache and sleepier than ive ever been. Ive tried everything, ive tried moving locations, watching videos, cold water, caffeine, phone away, lay everything out before hand, pomodoro, music, noise cancelling headphones, everything. And none of it works. Its like im trying to learn it in another language, im like RESISTANT to learning it and its so frustrating. I can genuinely spend an entire 8-12 hours sitting at my damn desk and not making an inch of progress. It takes me so long to do anything its insane.
Then it becomes my fault again because im so slow i end up having to AI it all bc genuinely EVERYTHING would be late if i didnt. And then i dont learn, and then im stressed out im not learning, etcetc. I dont understand what is wrong with me that i cannot understand basic concepts and algebra. Its easy theoretically but then it comes time to do practice and i cant. Ive tried that 'active recall practice' stuff and it just doesnt work. Everytime i hit a wall and get confused im completely knocked off tilt and cant focus anymore, and its practically the whole time. I cannot do this work.
IDK. I dont want to sound whiny but im also just...not enjoying it? I mean if i was good at it id probably like it but where i am now its miserable. I hate lab. I love the idea of working in a lab, but god its just so soul sucking. Standing there with my stupid titration for 3 hours, getting dinged for my messy tables and data, then going home and laboring over my Ex-Hell spreadsheet for multiple days for multiple hours. I hate it. This isnt science, this is just MATH. Its like being told youll work in the zoo adn you imagine like animals and then youre actually locked in the dusty attic calculating the budget for raw mice. I KNOW chem uses a ton of math, but like good grief, we only learn new concepts just to then pivot and use it as some arbitraty rule for the next new formula. I cant even do the tests bc i just make so many mistakes, like i get super stressed from the time as we only get 2 hours, so i cant think and forget stuff and get a loop of stressing from forgetting and vice versa. I cant even write numbers apaprently bc im always putting in the wrong numbers or even writing them wrong, like ill have to write 0.832 and i do 0.87 or something.
So thats kind of...what gave me the idea to swap? IDK. Im just worried like im making the wrong choice i guess. What if i do still like chem, and this is just a hard bump and i need to suck it up bc we ''all have to do things we dont want to do sometimes''? Like, i took orgo 1 and while it was hard and i had rough times (infamously hardest professor, crying every day, stressed, SHing and stuff), when i ultimately think back on it and its like...not that bad? It was hard because its a hard subject, but i was able to WORK and do it, spending hours problem solving, feeling proud when i figured it out; i even teared up one time getting my quiz back bc i finally made a 70 after making a 33 and i think a 50 previously. Everytime i did badly i felt liek this soul crushing feeling but thats like, cause i care i guess? I managed to pass with a B (i kinda think we just got lucky though...).
What i mean by this anecdote is like, i LIKED it and was able to actually put work and study into it. Its what i thought chem was. But now contrast to now...51, ''could be worse'', 33.5, knew i failed that one anyway and felt apathetic about it, 63 ''oh wow how did i do that??'' and then just thats kind of it. I dont feel any urgency past ''i need to pass this class so i can stay on track'' and even then its not working. But i thought maybe that was from like getting a big head of 'oh itll work out'' from orgo or like 'running out' of stress from last semester. But like, orgo i felt stressed all the time, here i just..dont care. Thats kind of why im worried im like, just being a lazy idiot or something, idk. The 63 was the only one i studied maybe ~5 days or so for and actually slept that night. So again, im worried its like all my fault that im sabotaging and just not working hard enough to do this. If i could study more or more efficiently and effectively, i could do it. I know im not working to my potential but its like i just cant.
IDK. Maybe its partially ego and stuff but i also just feel bad about swapping? Like i know no one gives a crap, and theyre both equally difficult in different ways, but i just feel like...im dumber(?) if i have to swap? Like...oh look at me i cant do math and i need to drop out of my major and go do less math, im too dumb to do basic algebra. I just feel bad because like idk i always thought im the kind of guy who ''doesnt give up'' yknow. Like in orgo we went from 80 to ~16 people. Maybe im a jerk but i felt good i guess? That i kept pushing when others quit, and that my hard work paid off and i made it.
All my friends are taking hard majors like pre med and engineering and also chem, but im the one who cant keep up. I was in college-level reading from 3rd-4th grade (when they did AIG)...but then all my friends were either in both, or in the math one. Being good at chem in highschool was like, the one thing i kinda had i guess? Id never been super good at school until sophmore year when i pulled it together and like, flawlessly passing, it was almost too easy. Never studied till AP chem, was a solid 90-95+ student. I was that annoying guy that got disgruntled at a 98 on tests. And then now its like if i give up, what am i saying to everyone? That i cant do it? Im not smart enough so i have to quit? I feel bad having to stop doing chem bc while i love the concepts and ideas of it, i literally cannot do any of the work.
Overall, just idk. In the bio path i felt like, excited kinda when i saw all the different options and stuff (im mainly interested in doing like genetics or tissue work with plants and stuff, like pursuing plant biotechnology as a job), and when i look at my current curriculum i just feel dread and worry. But then im also worried about what if i swap to bio and then STILL cant do it? Like im worried im just incredibly stupid and nothing i do will help.
TL;DR: Should i swap my major from chem to bio just because im struggling in analytical chem or should i stay and tough it out