TL;DR - Planning to break off a turbulent relationship and dealing with guilt.
Hi all,
I (28F) am planning to leave my partner (29M). What started out a little under a year ago as a fast-paced, happy relationship quickly took a downturn when I moved in with him about a month into dating.
The beginning of our relationship was a bit of a whirlwind with a lot of external factors contributing to the rapid timing of things. I was living with some family at the time who took my spending time with my new boyfriend as a signal that I was moving out and they quickly made arrangements unilaterally which essentially left me with no choice but to take up residence with my brand new partner, at the time. As we were still in the new-relationship-honeymoon phase, I didn’t mind too much at the time, and I was getting good vibes from him. He seemed to be understanding of my mental health issues (GAD & MDD) and he genuinely seemed to care about our future together.
Fast forward a couple months and I begin to see some different sides to him. He gets more annoyed with me on my bad mental health days. If I don’t want to leave the house with him, I get the silent treatment or he starts sarcastically making comments about how I “don’t want to do things as a couple” or how I “don’t want to be seen in public” with him.
One time, I had a minor medical emergency while he was out at the gym. I sent him a photo of what was going on to create a sense of urgency(in hindsight, maybe too far, but I was terrified). He got so angry at me for sending him a photo of blood that instead of coming right home, he stayed at the gym, finished his workout, and then when he came home, he didn’t speak with me for the rest of the night. Never checked on me, never asked me if I was okay. And he slept on the couch that night.
He has also started commenting on my hygiene. Any one who has gone through any sort of mental health issues knows how hard it is to take care of yourself, and this is definitely an area I struggle with during my bad times. He seemed to be keeping track of when I did and did not brush my teeth, and not in a helpful way. He would ask when the last time I brushed my teeth was and he would rattle off all the times he took notice of the fact that I didn’t. As if the fact that I can’t bring myself to do the most basic of human tasks isn’t embarrassing enough, having someone pointing it out certainly takes it to another level. He has also made comments on days when I am able to fully care for myself (shower, brush teeth, etc..) saying things like “Wow… you look… clean..” in a sort of condescending tone.
I also feel like my opinions and concerns don’t seem to matter to him. For example, we live in the home he owns. This house is dated and has not been well kept up. There are more issues than I can count (including broken appliances, rodent/pest issues, floor/bathtub sinking issues, mold, etc.) and we can’t afford any sort of home improvement investments at the moment. He does have a bit of an emotional connection to this house due to some childhood stuff, which I understand, however, he will not even consider any of my suggestions. Before I fully grasped his connection to the house, I made the suggestion that he sell (he would be expecting a good profit) and we rent for a bit as neither of us really have the time or energy to be homeowners at the moment. This suggestion was met almost in a hostile way where he told me “If you wanna do an apartment, you can do that… if I sell the house, I’m buying another one. If you don’t like that, then don’t be involved.”
Another time was work related. He had to do a task that required some extra training off site. He was definitely a bit anxious about going in blind to do this task, so when he was given a couple days notice that he could go and get the training he wanted, he started trying to make excuses that he couldn’t go. He did, in fact, have the availability, but it was going to be a Friday night and he would have preferred to be at home. I made the suggestion that he just go and get it over with. It was training he was aware that he needed and it was going to relieve some stress for him. When I said this, I was met with “Are you dumb?” and when I explained my rationale further noting his own comments about feeling like he was unprepared for this task, he came back with “you’re suggesting I go spend multiple hours on a Friday night with a few days notice.. that’s [R word].”
While all of these instances and countless others occur fairly regularly, we definitely do have good moments. We make each other laugh and we’ve had fun times together. But unfortunately, I have lost romantic feelings and I don’t think that this is the best place for me anymore, and it certainly has not helped me make any improvements toward my mental health. I often feel as though I’m walking on egg shells, not wanting to irritate him or prompt a silent treatment. I also have kept quiet about a lot of the things that bother me because when I have spoken up in the past, I have been made to feel like the bad guy. So I think that my decision to leave is going to be a bit of a blindside for him.
Because I’m nervous about the reaction I’m going to get, I made arrangements for housing ahead of time. While I think this was the safe decision, it has made me feel so guilty. Feeling like I’m doing something behind his back has left me with a pit in my stomach. Additionally, as I mentioned, right now, there haven’t been any issues for us in a couple weeks. We’ve been getting along fairly well and this is going to make having a breakup conversation so much harder.
Any advice is much appreciated.