please someone comment and answer me, if I don’t get an answer I’m gonna drive myself crazy. I just need someoen to answer me and I can’t ask anyone irl because like I don’t want to tell anyone.
when I was a kid, I believe I committed some form of COCSA or something similar against three different people. for some context, I was exposed to porn at a young age (my dad would watch it in front of me all throughout my childhood, mostly when I was a baby, but I found out how to get it on my iPad myself at 8) and my dad was accused of molesting me when I was below the age of 6. although nothing came of it, and I don’t remember him doing anything to me, I do remember having weird knowledge about sex from as young as 3-4. From 8-10, I searched for people online to date, usually older men. I am also autistic (level 1), and if someone tells me something is normal, I usually believe them without a second thought and will copy.
anyway, heres what happened.
After I first found out about porn at 8, I explained it to two kids from my class. I was really close to one of the kids, so I talked to them about how I felt about the videos. I thought we needed to prepare or whatever because by the time we were teens, we would be expected to do stuff like this. I never touched them, but we did talk about putting things up there iykwim, and I think I inspired her to do it. We no longer talk now, last I heard from her was back in grade 5, when some kid said she hated me because we were ex friends. idk, I felt horrible about this but now it’s the second worst thing I’ve done in my opinion. I know I was in the wrong here, and I just really hope they’re better now.
the second kid I told is still my friend, and she claims to be hyper sexual, although she says that’s because her dad abused her and not me telling her all this, tho she admits I didn’t help. I feel horrible but it wasn’t as bad as what happened with me and the other kid so it kinda gets overshadowed.
the last one is the worst, but it happened when I was 10 and incredibly mentally ill, not that it’s an excuse. I had been groomed online several times by this point, and had many other things going on. the person that this happened to was just about to turn 9 I believe, but we were playing truth and dare and like what always happens, thé game quickly goes wrong. idk who started it, but someone dared the other to touch themselves or the other person. They dared me to do something worse but I said no obviously, so it’s not like there weren’t any boundaries at all ig. idk. I honestly don’t want to remember anything because I feel lightheaded just trying to write about it. I feel horrible about it, and I honestly don’t know what was going through my mind. it happened like every weekend or so for a month, maybe less, before they asked if we could stop and I immediately agreed because I lowkey lost interest in continuing like a week before idk. I never forced them to do anything I don’t think, I hope I didn’t. I didn’t try to pressure them, but maybe my age did without me realizing? idk don’t answer that.
i should mention that this person also claims to be hyper sexual, though they have told me about other events that could have caused it. They only brought this thing up once to me, two years ago, and they were laughing about it, maybe over my reaction, because I said let’s just never talk about that because it’s gross and weird. I don’t remember exactly, but I think it was kinda like a joke. i still see them quite often, theyre kinda corny and they do break rules all the time (to the point where it’s very annoying) but like do I even have a right to hate them with what I did? Did I cause all of this?
anyway, I needed to say this because it’s been driving me crazy for years (im 14 now) I feel horrible about it, like actually horrible. I know I was in the wrong, I don’t think I knew in the moment. if I did, I wouldn’t have done it, I’m not a crazy person or a sadist or something. I’m disgusted by this, and I’ve fainted at the memories before from the sheer guilt. hell, it took me 3 months to ever process what I had done the first time, and over two years to even remember the events from the last event. i know it’s disgusting and bad, etc.. but how bad is it truly, I kinda need to hear from normal people. I’ve never told a soul, and I’m gonna delete this post probably before tomorrow. I just need someone to like read and respond ig idk. If it were to ever get out, hiw bad would it be? Should I be as paranoid as I am? Or will people think I’m a rapist? Does my age actually help anything or should I have known better?
edit: deadass who js shared this and why, I’m gonna throw up. is my full legal name as my user or smth I js can’t see it