Fears and anxiety over my mom
Since I was young I have battled with OCD intrusive thoughts regarding my mom and death.
As an adult it’s been affecting me more now that my mom is getting older. She is doing fine but smokes and has most of her life (another contributor to my ocd fears around her) But recently her doctor found a small spot on her lung that needs to be taken out via wedge resection. Its thankfully a lower risk surgery but still scary nonetheless. Currently it’s looming on my mind as the surgery nears closer. I keep getting intrusive thoughts on how it will go and the fear of losing her overwhelms me.
To make matters worse I recently got into a misunderstanding argument with my spouse over something and without thinking I said the phrase “swear on my mothers life” just as an expression to say I’m not lying. And I wasn’t lying. But my spouse still thought I was and then I freaked out that I said such a thing and became overwhelmed with fear second guessing myself. It has been haunting me ever since it happened, even after my partner eventually understood what I meant and recognized I didn’t lie it was just a misunderstanding what I said.
But I keep having to reassure myself over and over that I wasn’t lying so no harm will come to my mom. Also so angry and disappointed in myself that I said it at all, I never have before but I think I said it cuz my spouse knows how much Iove my mom so for me to have said it at all ment I was being honest. Also I said it without thinking. Ughhh I feel so upset over it all, I keep wishing to go back and not have said it.
in short:
Overthinking about swearing on mothers life (with complete sincerity) but second guessing if there was any lie and fear over it hurting my mom. Filled with regret having said it at all.