The Elephant in the Room
Been smoking weed in the evenings consistently since I was 19. Mostly bud out of pipes or joints.
In high school I could put in minimal effort and get solid results. I was considered a “high achiever” because things came to me easily. I was able to get a good scholarship to the college I wanted to go to, and graduated high school in 2020. I ended up taking a gap year at home because of covid that year. That’s when I started smoking. I got pretty hooked over that year because there was nothing to do.
I ended up going to college the following year and I was still able to do the same thing. Minimal effort, solid results. All the while, I was smoking every day, sometimes in the middle of the day, alone. Missed out on parts of my college experience by smoking it away.
Ended up graduating, finding a good job in my home city, and moved into my own rental house last year. All the while, I’ve been feeling astonished with my age. I couldn’t believe I was 22, 23, then 24, now 25. I still felt like I was 19. I would even tell people about it jokingly. I thought it was just because of the covid era and my gap year. I’m realizing now that it’s more than that.
Now that I’m 25, I can feel the long term effects and it’s seriously concerning. I can’t remember things, my critical thinking feels slow and off, I stutter talking, I can’t focus, I feel like I’m not the same person I used to be. Living alone doesn’t help because I’ve allowed smoking to consume my life after work. I’ve been rushing home as quickly as possible to take that hit and sit on the couch for the rest of the day.
In theory I’ve checked all the boxes. Graduated college, got a good job, living on my own, paying for everything on my own, etc. But lately it’s all been feeling very empty. I think it’s time I address the elephant in the room for good.
Over the past year I have tired to quit a handful of times, each time caving in after a week or so. I want it to be for good this time. I want to never smoke again so I can regain control of my life. I’m hoping this self-reflection will help me find the right path, and I hope it may resonate with some of you. Sorry for the rambling, but I think putting this all out there for strangers to see will help me in my recovery.