u/Creepy-Property8272

right now my life is still on rails (i have a job, i have a loving partner and i have multiple friends tha care about me, also my family cares about me).

i became aware of NPD like 3 months ago and have been going from collapse to ”normal” all the time.

as im reading people’s experiences, it doesnt get any bettet if you just stay to yourself and dwell in the feelings of envy and hate etc.

so my question is, should i just ”forget” this diagnosis and try to live life like normal people do, or should i face the truth and lose everything at the same time? i do enjoy life with my boyfriend but i do have some serious problems. if i told people about this i would lose everything and propably wouldnt take me much time to end my life

what are the concrete morally bad things you have done in your life? i would want to know what things they usually are.

i read my ex boyfriends journal multiple times. i also recently remembered that once i took my older brothers phone to the toilet and went through his messages without any specific reason. i stayed in relationships just for attention and not for feelings. i bullied someone in elementary school. i spent days in my previous work doing nothing the whole day just being on my phone. i am in my current relationship with questionable motives, since i think that if he leaves or i leave i will have to end myself. at least these things.

this must not be good. at the same time he is the only thing keeping me alive, but its not healthy love. tbh, him adoring me or giving me attention and just being physically close to him is the only thing i look forward in life every day. i do really care about him and adore him. but i fear that this will not end well, since he doesnt know i have NPD, and if i look into the future it seems impossible to act like a NT for my whole life. if we break up, i have no reason to live.

i have tried telling him that i have npd but he doesnt believe me.

how do you survive living normal life after awareness? i feel like vomiting all the time and want to wake up from this nightmare. also, obv. I dont have motivation for anything, because i dont have anything to look forward to. i hate my life and want to permanently disappear. at the same time, i cant do that to the people around me and i dont know if i would have the courage. I am also doing a very challenging internship right now, but i feel like im not going to survive this.

how do you stop feeling bitterness and hate towards your parents about developing NPD? My parents are the most empathetic people and they did not know better. They just didnt really hold me accountable for anything or drew boundaries. my parents gave everything to us children, and for my whole life ive felt that i had the best childhood and parents, just to realize that it actually made me this monster. I cant stop being bitter and kind of hating my parents for not setting boundaries.

Im freshly self-aware (24f) and still kind of hoping that this could be something else, even though deep down I know that this is it. I keep going in these circles where im sure about NPD and then I deny and am doing fine for like 2 weeks. then I cant escape the struggles and thoughts about my manipulative manners etc. and I collapse again. i have tried to tell this to my parents and my partner but they dont take it seriously (propably because I am also making my thoughts sound softer than they are). I relate to almost all of the characteristics and my overly soft, empathetic parents and childhood also make sense with NPD. I have very low empathy, very high envy of others, idealizing and devaluing partners, veeeeery low self-esteem yet other people see me as confident and stable. i think im a covert.

i feel like my whole life so far I have tried to find ”my thing”. turns out i dont really care about anything else except for myself. i dont care about reading the news or books because it doesnt consider me. I have just pretended my whole life to be interested in these kinds of things.

i have a wonderful partner who is doing so well in life and i really like him, but since i got self-aware of this, i noticed that i also envy him. and that is not love is it? i fear that i just want to keep him close to me because he gives me what i need. at the same time it feels impossible to live with these isolating feelings of being so different.

Also i am very scared of going to hell because of this. i dont believe in god but i feel like there will be some kind of punishment for this at the end. it haunts me.

at the same time I want a normal life and kids with my partner, but at the same time i know that i dont love him in the pure way that other people do. and that i would not be a good mom.

anyone can relate? and do you think it is a good idea to try to live a ”normal” life even though the inner feeling is different than other peoples feelings?