Suicide attempt
I (38f) tried to hang myself last night. I have bpd and have severe trauma now from being in an abusive relationship. We were together the last 3.5 years and broke up about a month ago. I had a severe splitting episode last night. I hung myself off of the light in my bedroom. When I let go of my legs after a few seconds I panicked when it completely cut off my air supply and somehow my body's survival instinct kicked in very fast and I tried desperately to get any bit of my fingers underneath the noose. I was able to get my footing onto the edge of my bed to try hold me but I was struggling to even stand. Somehow I was able to get my fingers in between the ligature and my neck but it was so tight and it was the scariest thing ive experienced in my life. I knew if I stumbled again that would be it. Because ive a broken toe and my bed is soft so I had no steady surface under me. The second I was hanging I panicked and didn't want to die. I'm in shock today that I was brought that low in my mental health to attempt that. I'm lucky I'm still here. I had to untie the ligature from around the light while trying desperately not to lose my balance or let my fingers out from between the rope and my neck. After I got it untied from my light, I had to find a blade thin enough to slide between my neck and the ligature to cut it off my neck. But the knot had been pulled so tightly when I hung that it was trapped underneath my hair and I had to cut it off. I'm just in shock of it all. I had dissociated and split so my memory of the whole night is a bit blurry. I just wanted to share what happened last night. I'm going through a very traumatic breakup of someone I loved so deeply that hurt me and who I trusted with my whole being. I'm broken inside and the feeling of grief is catastrophic for me. 😭