How are we supposed to find the balance? Obviously OCD is an extreme take on logic. I understand not engaging the intrusive thoughts. But, surely sometimes anxiety has a purpose. Questioning things can be productive. How are we supposed to learn to trust our own thoughts? Is this desire to trust your own thoughts just another trap?😂
(I apologize for how long this is and to preface I am considering getting a spiritual director or other guidance)
I 23F am in a highly anxious state right now concerning my vocation. In the past I have told myself that I am open to whatever God wants for me, including being a nun, however, I also enjoy the thought of marriage and marriage has always been my “plan A”.
About a year ago I was in confession and after I was done and before I was absolved the priest asked me if I had ever considered religious life. I was floored because I felt like it came out of nowhere. I said yes, it had just been a passing thought in my mind some days earlier. He told me to meet him after mass and get more information. I didn’t. I sort of brushed it off because he ended up talking about vocations during the homily so I figured maybe that’s just on his personal brain right now.
Fast forward last Sunday I go to confession again at a church I don’t normally go to and lo and behold the homily is also about vocations. The priest talks about how he had this whole life plan and wanted to get married and most importantly was concerned about taking care of his family but God has proven faithful in taking care of his life. I was overwhelmed with emotion hearing this and especially after my confession I felt like maybe God was inviting me to something with how I related to this priests story.
I’m not in a relationship right now, I had a boyfriend in high school and then a Catholic guy I saw for about a month before breaking it off (he was the one to do it). I have had a strong feeling of not feeling ready to date right now partially because of the fact that I am in school and partially because I just don’t feel ready? I do have some self esteem issues that play into it as well. If I were to be in a relationship I would obviously want it to be a Catholic and ordered one. I feel like my practical abilities are maybe more ordered toward being married.
I also in the past have struggled with OCD and am very prone to overthinking. I have been anxious sick the past couple of days thinking about this and I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad sign. Am I anxious because God wants me to do it or because I’m not supposed to do it? Is it selfish if I want to get married? Most importantly why would God move me to look into something if it’s not something he wanted me to do? I know a “voice” from God is supposed to give peace not rushed anxiety.
In my mind being a nun or priest is the “highest calling”, even though I know logically marriage is a very holy sacrament as well. When I’m trying to discern this in my mind I think about what my deepest desires are, and of course they are to be with Jesus forever- but shouldn’t that be everyone’s desire, married or not? To me it seems more “straight forward” to achieve that through religious life, but either I have a misconception or it’s because that’s what I’m called to do.
To sum this up my biggest issue is how anxious I’m feeling about this. So I’m hoping for some consolation in the mean time of this discernment process