I have a huge problem with lust and I don't know what to do anymore:/
Hello, I (M20) struggle with a very, very serious lust/porn problem. I don't know if my heart is hardened to the point that repentance is impossible or if I keep on rotting more and more from within.
To my background: I never had the blessing of growing up in a church-based household. My parents were claiming the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, but from my perspective, they were/are lukewarm Christians. Growing up, I was pretty isolated, and my whole intellectual foundation came from TikTok and YouTube videos. This kept on going until I was around 17 and met my absolutely beautiful girlfriend.
We have now been together for almost 2.5 years, and looking back, I was claiming to be washed and saved by Christ, but until we met, I was living as lukewarm a Christian life as one could live. I was watching porn, gossiping, lying, making bad jokes about other people's appearances and disabilities, and was claiming to be saved at the same time. The fruits—as you see—absolutely didn't match my actual heart posture. I was telling everyone about Jesus Christ, but my heart was living in unrepentant sin.
At that time—I mean prior to meeting my girlfriend—I was an absolute wreck. My life couldn't have been worse, and my faith couldn't have been any more lukewarm. I was constantly sinning deliberately and blaming it on my past, my parents, the death of a good friend of mine, and my grandpa, who died a bit later. I was not taking any accountability for my actions at all.
As God put my girlfriend (she is also a Christian) into my life, something changed in me. I suddenly saw what was going wrong. Not only was I able to see how lust affected my view of her, but I could also see what my behavior did to other people. I saw that I was accountable for my actions and that the only One who could free me from all my burdens was the Lord Jesus Christ.
I could not be happier or more thankful for my girlfriend, who will hopefully be my wife in a few years. Every time I think about her, my eyes start tearing up, and my heart starts beating faster. I just want you guys to understand how thankful I am for this young woman of God.
In the first year of our relationship, I seriously started repenting of everything that the Lord made me see. I started going to church, to worship sessions, and started reading the Bible—more or less. At this point in time (04.07.26), I am trying to read it as consistently as possible because I realized that it is the bread my soul needs. I not only started going to church, etc., but also confessed the struggles I am facing regarding pornography.
Just to give you a timestamp of where we are in time, I confessed my struggle with pornography in December 2024. My girlfriend was extremely struck and sad to hear about my addiction, but she was willing to help me. I told her that I would never watch something like that again, but, as you can probably imagine, I sadly did. I was extremely thankful for her offer to help me and for her forgiveness, but at the same time, the shame I had in my heart made me keep it a secret again.
I was trying so, so hard to get away from this horrible sin. I was even trying not to do it by myself and to let God do everything. I was praying, watching videos, and also fasting, but every time temptation came, I could resist it for a few weeks or sometimes months and then fell right into this awful pit that I dug for myself.
Months passed, and shame grew. I was too afraid my girlfriend would break up with me if I told her about my struggles. I was too afraid of her reaction and the heartbreak it could cause her to go through.
This awful cycle repeated until now. I fell, I got up, I repented, I was tempted, I fell... Not only did this behavior of mine cause us to fall into sexual sin, but it also made waiting for marriage so much harder. Don't get me wrong. We didn't have sex, but we did things that belong within the covenant of marriage.
After I fell twice in the past two days and had a pretty bad time a few weeks ago, I can't keep it inside any longer. My soul is rotting away, I feel as though I am a hypocrite, and I am extremely afraid of God taking away this wonderful young woman to protect her from me. I am devastated, exhausted, and at rock bottom.
The best thing about this whole situation is that I am going to propose to her in a few months. Not only have I talked to her father and mother, but also to my Father in heaven. I don't know what to do, but I feel like I am an adulterer and the destroyer of a marriage that didn't even begin to exist.
Please help me, fellow brothers and sisters. I am begging you, please, please help me. No matter how short or long your answer might be, I am thankful for every thought or impulse that you can give me.
God bless all of you :)