I thought losing my friends would hurt more than it did.
**I blew up my old life, and I don’t know how to feel about what I lost.**
I’m a 30F and I don’t really have anyone to tell this to.
Three years ago, I cheated on my partner of nine years. We also share an almost 5-year-old son. I know cheating is wrong, and if I could change one thing, it would be how I left. I should have ended the relationship first.
The relationship had been over in my mind for a long time. He was the “nice guy” everyone loved, but I was deeply unhappy and felt trapped. Instead of having the courage to leave, I made a terrible decision.
The person I cheated with was actually my best friend from high school. We’d lost touch for over five years because of my relationship. We reconnected, and we’ve now been together for three years. Despite how it started, this is the healthiest and happiest relationship I’ve ever been in.
When everything came out, I lost almost all of my friends of 10+ years. At first, that hurt. But over time, I’ve realized I don’t actually miss the friendships as much as I miss the idea of having friends.
Looking back, I don’t think those friendships were ever as genuine as I wanted them to be. We grew up together through church, so we’d always been in each other’s lives, but I never felt like I could be my authentic self around them. I always felt like I had to filter what I said or hide parts of myself.
One friend even cornered me after my breakup and basically held an unsolicited therapy session because she was convinced my ex and I were “meant to be together.” That pretty much summed up how those friendships felt. They already had a version of my life they wanted me to live, and there wasn’t much room for how I actually felt.
I understand why they stayed friends with my ex. I was the one who cheated, and I accept that people judged me for it.
But sometimes I wonder if losing them was just another part of leaving a life that never really fit me in the first place.
Now I’m 30, in a relationship that makes me genuinely happy, raising my son, and starting over socially. It’s weird because I’m happier than I’ve ever been, but I also don’t really have friends anymore.
I don’t know if this is regret, acceptance, or just growing up.