First time asking for Help
I have been struggling with strong feelings of insecurity when it comes to my image, accomplishments, and persona my entire life. It is to the point that when someone close to me points out that I was gifted something, or blessed with something that not everybody gets such as better financial support or healthier family, I have an utterly visceral reaction. My immediate thoughts everytime are that I want to remove everyone from my life and give everything away in order to keep myself protected from anyone being able to hold anything over me. The feeling of being better than other people is what drives me (narcissist), but the realization that i am pathetic and basically useless without the support that I have been blessed with makes me despise both myself and everything I have. I realize that this is not healthy, but sometimes I think about how much more peace I would have if I removed everything good from my life and restarted from the ground up, self made. for reference I am 22 yrs old male and am curious what do i do about these feelings? I did therapy a lot as a kid, but the thought of finding a therapist that doesn’t see me as just a paycheck seems so daunting and unobtainable. Should I just find an outlet like working harder or get back into a healthy hobby like roller skating, or should I eat my own words and actually cut everybody off so i can feel the consequences of my feelings.