Divorcing the Good spouse
I 30M have been married to my spouse F33 for almost 5 years and I reached the point where I'm asking myself am I going to do this for 5 more years. We "work" well together and we're "good" together but I'm tired of being the peace.
So in the background we have known each other for a long time, been friends for longer than our marriage. We started dating in late 2019, then had sex for the first time after Valentine's in 2020. It was incredible, and it remained incredible for the year before we got married. Then in 2021 our leases were up and I suggested getting a place together and she said no, I'm not living with a man unless we're married.
So I proposed we got married then sex life went down from weekly to biweekly then once or twice a month to every other month. In addition since we had never lived together all the ways that I cleaned were never right, when she got frustrated she would throw things in my general direction but never at me as she would say. I noticed a pattern of verbal abuse, "your incompetent" "you never even try" "why are you lying about doing this when you didn't" constantly. So I fell into a pattern of doing the bare minimum because I knew that no matter the effort it wouldn't be good enough.
We have now seen three different therapists because they "weren't actually saying anything" and the most recent one that she actually liked we stopped because we have a foster child and things have been too chaotic. She got upset with me because of something I forgot to do, with putting up a shoe bench to the wall because I've never had to before. I was trying to be quiet because I was at work but I was so frustrated that I just "ok I'm done, call them and tell them we can't handle the kid, and I'll find somewhere else to live".
Since then she has been sweeter and more affectionate and in her opinion it's because she's got a grasp on things now and they're not so stressful, but I'm tired of holding her peace. I do yell and when I'm cornered I do react negatively so I'm under no illusions that I'm a perfect person, I know there's a whole side that she sees that I'm not, but I'm tired of waiting for things to get better. They do for a moment and then it just goes right back to chaos, I have begged her to talk to someone, to take medicine that will help with the anxiety and anger she has but she "doesn't feel like herself" and I'm tired of being the peace.
I already know that I'm going to file for divorce/separation but I'm nervous because I don't know for sure if she is the type to start breaking things because of how this will play out. So idk, I'm just tired.
Edit 1: I was just trying to get my thoughts across but no it's not just about sex, it's lack of intimacy or touch, no validation for anything just a general malaise "of you didn't do it right." I recorded the one time this year where she said thank you for doing this. Then 20 minutes later she complained about something else unrelated
From cleaning to cooking I'm too messy and I "never" clean up. Her family has a wide range of issues from bipolar disorder to OCD, adhd, add and the list continues. Her mom does not take pills because she doesn't feel herself with them and neither does my wife. I currently am taking something for depression and having taken it for the last two years the general fog of why I'm so depressed has lifted. I'm realizing we are not a good fit, and have been trying shove squares into a circle hole so to speak. She's unhappy and I'm unhappy with her being unhappy. I'm just trying to see outside myself.