I got called easy by someone and need to get it out of my chest
Its a bit long but please read and help me I really need help
I just started uni this September and got into a club I really liked and loved the people there. Especially a guy, who I had a huge crush on. He had been in school for a year now and he is also leading the club with other two people. We got into a situationship where i was delusional and he was talking with more than three girls. As time passed and I learned what kind of guy he was I slowly stopped texting first and we stopped talking. I was ok then and even made a fckbuddy which is a funny story. I ended that relationship quickly bcs I didn’t enjoy it, and the very next day very weird things happened.
I had almost never drank until then, never got drunk. But that day my friend (who was also friends with my crush) took me to a bar midday and we drank. While we were drinking a couple people came too and so did the guy. I drank two beers, got drunk but I was still aware of everything I was doing. My friend talked about my first date w my ex-fb satin thin taking me to a bar the first date was wrong especially since after we went back to his house (we just made out) but I insisted I wasn’t frunk then (I wasn’t) even the guy said what my ex did was wrong.
After a while me and my friend went to his apartment, and while we were leaving my crush said he might come too.
And see I knew why, and my friend also knew why. And while a part of me hoped he wouldn’t, mostly I wanted him to come.
He came after a while with another beer gör three of us and I drank that one too. Anyhow we kissed, made out, while my friend was in his room. He wasn’t drunk, I was drunk but I know I did what I was doing because evet since I had given up on him, I always knew we would end up like this because I wanted to kiss him to get my closure. This is my logic.
While we were making out we talked about why we stopped talking. He kept apologising, saying there wasn’t any other girls there was just me, I kept asking then why didn’t he text me, he said I don’t know, apologized, said that everything would be different now again and again. Held me lovingly, looked at me like I was special and I knew it was all an act, I even told him that, he refused, and promised we would talk tonight or tomorrow ( we both had different things to do at school)
I didn’t believe him, and when we separated from him with my friend I told him I knew it wad already over. He only came to kiss me and the thing is, that’s fine, really. Him roleplaying like a lover boy is weird because I already told him I didn’t believe him and that I didn’t mind. I wanted to kiss him too.
Apparently he told my friend “wouldn’t you have taken the opportunity too if a girl came like this to you?” When my friend told me that I went next to him ar school and told him I didn’t want anything with him because of the person he was. He didn’t say anything and we stopped talking.
This was all two days ago. I went through a rollercoaster of emotions. I wanted to kiss him because it could have benn my only chance, even though I knew who he was. I at least saw him as a friend from the uni club but he just saw me as a girl, as an opportunity. He sees every woman like that, which is funny coming from a feminist as he calls himself.
And I knew he wouldn’t talk nicely about me, yesterday while sitting with my friend and another friend from the club, he called me “easy”. My friend called me later to tell me. Turns out my crush and the other guy from the club hate me, with another girl. And these three are the ones on the head of that club.
The only thing I regret (which isn’t much regret I’m always an oversharer) is telling him about my fckbuddy, because I think that info is also why he called me that. My friend akso said although he didn’t directly say it, he talked about me as if I was a wh0re.
And… all this because I kissed him??? Consensually??? It felt so weird. Why does consenting makes me easy? And I know he’s skipping all the I was drunk he was sober and the lovebombing parts.
The worst part is our friends circle is the same and since he’s been here a year longer than me he’s close friends with them and I’m just a stranger. And he will probably become the head of the club next year. And the other two, who I really liked as friends hate me too.
I’m glad school is ending in a couple weeks, and in the meantime the club will not be doing anything.
But now I’m paranoid. He’s probably going to go around saying things about me, right? Just because I like him. The others in the club who I see as friends, maybe they hate me too like the others two. And its not hard for him to pull people to his side, he’s been here longer than me.
And Im not comfortable leaving my places of socialising, ım not leaving the club I love just because of three haters, but it will also be very hard, right?
And I don’t even know if I hate him still. I see him as a wh0re, because he sees women as objects. I don’t know if I can hate back the other two. I can still see myself smiling at him and talking nicely to him, to them.
My friend says I should become a mean b!tch but how? Should I? He’s another topic, because, although he’s on my side and protecting me, he is still friends with this guy. I asked him this, he said we are not close friends sure we hung out a lot this year, but he’s a good drinking buddy for me. He also sees my crush as a wh0re but now I’m paranoid.
I can walk with my head high, but I just get sad. It’s not what he called me that affects me but more like what else might happen.
Where can this go? Will he forget? I hope so.
I come from a country where violence on women is very common and many arguments between men and women is solved by the women getting killed.
So this is a very common fear in my country. Did I kiss a pervert? An 1ncel? An assaulter? And for the next four years of my life, will it be like this? Will I be hated by the club I love ?
I also know my biggest fear is feeling regret and asking myself why did I do this? If I fall into that pit, there is no coming back out.
Please help lmao.