AITA - Perspective on Medical Vulnerability
AITA ? Background: we are swingers. We are in an open relationship. This is agreed upon by both parties.
I was in the hospital for an emergency surgery. I had been sick, I lost 1/3 of my body weight in half a year. I was really sick. I had a couple of days waiting for surgery. I was given 5 minutes notice that my surgery was about to happen. I sent my husband a text to let him know. I had surgery. I came back to my hospital room and my husband was suddenly there, waiting. He seemed annoyed with me but he’s in an authority role professionally, he can be hard at times. I let it go. He was annoyed with me (looking back on that day together, he denies being annoyed) I was struggling to come to, the drugs were heavy. The entire time I was trying to ‘sober up’ from the hospital drugs, he kept complaining that they are never going to discharge me. It’s taking forever. They discharged me about 6 hrs after removing an organ laparoscopically. I’d say that’s a decently fast turn around. Here we are 3 weeks later, he admits to me that he pulled my phone out of my belongings that were tucked away in the hospital closet and snooped through my phone while I was on the operating table. “I heard a vibration and was worried it was maybe your work”
This is a lie.
I hate notifications. I have all notifications turned off. I find them to be rude interruptions.
He went through all of my socials (again, notifications off) and read all of my conversations. There isn’t anything nefarious in there. I don’t have any sneaky relationships, I had pen pals that were far away. We talked about loneliness, differences between countries, memes - the things that he doesn’t have time to talk to me about or is dismissive towards me when I try to talk to my husband. I accepted his dismissal, he’s just not into these topics or I’ve annoyed him today. I made excuses for him.
He commented to me that he was disappointed that I had international penpals. Meanwhile, in our open marriage, he will met up with women, have dates,etc. He will not tell me names, where the meet up was, what happened. I have to ask very detailed questions to get basic info. Which ok, we never agreed to disclosure in advance. So I try not to be a snoop about his details.
He commented to me that he is surprised how nice and supportive I am of complete strangers. Why would I be mean to someone? What good does that do? Why would he even care?
He has PTSD. He refuses to see someone no matter how much I ask. So I never push a conversation when he’s brushing me off. If he’s more into his phone (which is 99% of his time), I do not say anything.
I chose to keep things virtual and far away so that I can control access. So that I can decide if something doesn’t feel safe, I freely use the block button. He doesn’t understand this. He doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t talk to him about the fact that I have penpals.
I’m struggling with feeling a total invasion of privacy. As if he feels he gets complete unbridled access to every single thought, hope, dream, fear that passes through my mind. That I am entitled to zero privacy or dignity away from his gaze. He feels he is justified in looking through all of my digital imprints.
This isn’t about winning - there is no winning when there is illness. Am I an asshole for feeling violated over his lack of regard for my intellectual privacy?