Hi, I (18 F) hates my father for such a long time now—which is ironic as I was somewhat of a “daddy’s girl” when I was a kid. My father is not a bad man nor is he a bad father, in fact, I think he’s the opposite—I think he’s a good father… But I hate him anyways and I don’t know why I am like this.
My father left the country to sustain us when I was five? Perhaps even younger than that. I don’t remember. Growing up, me and my father would maintain connection through video calls, I was really close with him despite the distance. When I turned 12—it was around the start of covid—when shit started going down. Long story short, my uncle’s debt fucked up and blew up and now my dad had to work twice as hard in a foreign country. During those years, me and him stopped being as close because, well it was my fault—I just felt sad and angry most times and that anger leaks out every time I talk to him. I’m not even sure why, maybe because we were so poor and for some stupid reason I blamed him for every disappointment I had. That anger and resentment just bloomed further and further until every conversation with him feels awkward now because my mood always sours when I hear his voice.
I know I’m not a good daughter, I never claimed to be. But I want to change–I truly love my father and I have always been grateful for him and his hardwork for us. However, I find it so hard to like him; I LOVE him but I do not LIKE him. I don‘t even know why, I’ve always felt immense guilt about the way I feel towards him but no matter what I do, the anger just leaks out. I don’t know how it started… Perhaps it was the distance? Teenage angsty hormones maybe? Or perhaps it’s the anger for our poor way of living that I just had to find someone to blame for the way everything is; I blamed God and it wasn’t enough; I blamed my father and it broke me (and our relationship) so immensely, yet quietly enough that I didn’t even noticed it was broken until I find myself crying often and wishing I have a father—which is so stupid because I do!
Though it’s not clear to me how the seed of resentment was planted, I knew in clear detail how it grew. Growing up, my family had always been the type to be barely getting by. We weren’t dirt poor to the point we can‘t eat, but we just can’t really enjoy anything without the feeling of guilt on our shoulders. Because of this, my father had always pressured my mother to get a job as well (she doesn’t mind and thinks this is a good idea too), however, she haven’t had a job for about a decade as she’s busy with taking care of us, budgeting our daily expenses, and cleaning around the house. She tried to be a VA and is even studying as much as she can… But she just doesn’t land a job. This always ends up in silent arguments during calls between my parents; my father would accuse my mother for not trying hard enough (she is) and would often get angry. My father is also quite rude to my mother (always making her feel inadequate, which leads to shouting matches between him and me through the phone) and I resent him for it. However, I do understand where my father‘s anger is coming from—I know he’s tired too. I know he’s carrying all of us on his back in a country that’s thousands of miles away from us. I always understand my parents—what I can’t understand is myself and why I was such an angry kid; I am still an angry kid. Furthermore, my father is also really prideful. We are drowning in money issues but he doesn’t want me to take a gap year so I can get a job. Some may think this is “the dream,” but I digress. I feel so guilty watching my parents break their back for a college tuition we can barely afford and I can’t even do anything to help because they “got it all undercover,” when in fact, they don’t. Despite all these though, there is one thing my father does that enrage me more than anything—victim blaming. He would always be the victim in his own stories. When I would call him, he would always ensure that I feel guilty for him by saying I don‘t call enough and that he’s doing all of this for me and my brother (something i know and I’m heavily grateful for) but when he says it out loud it just sounds so grating in the ears. I don’t know if it’s his tone. I don’t know if i really am just a cold hearted bitch. However, even though he does so much things I dislike (I dont wanna list them all) I always find a way to protect him from my own mind and narrative which is so ironic; he’s being pessimistic about life? It’s because he’s feeling so lonely overseas; He’s quick to anger and yells at my mother and sometimes, me? Oh thats just because he’s angry at his own situation and this constant feeling of not being enough for his family. Idk if its the “child in me” that always finds a way to understand him, or maybe it’s because I never really hated him to begin with, I just needed a scapegoat for all the pain I’m feeling. Idk idk and im so sick of not knowing myself. I hate how I know my parents more than I know me. I hate how I know how my mother feels just by looking at her eyes for a second but doesn’t understand why I am the way I am despite looking at myself in the mirror for hours. I hate how I can distinguish what my father was going to say based on the way he would pursed his lips, but not understand the anger I feel when I hear his voice.
Maybe there‘s a scientific term for this but im too broke to get myself a therapist and I would feel guilty for wasting the money anyways. Idk what I wanted out of this post, I just wanted to vent. The truth is, I miss my father and sometimes, I grieve for him. Ironic, grieving for a man who‘s alive—though I’m not sure he’s truly living, but I guess, none of us (my family) are. I just want him home and I want to give him a big warm hug and say, “daddy it’s okay, you’re doing so well and I love you. I love you so so so so much and I’m sorry I couldn’t say it through the phone cause I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore—but I love you and I’m so sorry.”
TL;DR: I love my father so much (he’s a good father), but I find it so hard to like him. I don’t know why I am like this.