I can’t stop resenting my husband
I consistently feel so deeply hurt by and resentful of my husband. On the surface, it’s not obvious why — he’s very present, he loves our kids, he isn’t abusive or have any weird addictions, he’s smart and rational, I don’t worry about him like leaving or betraying us, if told exactly what to do he does it well. I read other posts in here about husbands that are so much worse, and feel like I need to shut up and get over it.
But, he doesn’t feel like he’s actually a partner. Everything everything (literally, everything) about our family is driven by me. I have taken every step of initiative, made every decision, executed on 99% of the actual work. It’s like he gets a task done and doesn’t think about it again until the next time it comes up. Meanwhile I’m so incredibly burnt out from constantly thinking about our family and tracking all of the many things to do, it literally never stops. Just on the topic of clothes alone theres a constant running list in my mind of: What clothes do they have, do they have what they need, are the clothes still fitting, do we need to replace anything, do they have what she needs for an upcoming event, are the items washed and ready for that event, can I cycle out any old clothes, do we need a new organization strategy for the clothes, etc etc etc. And then multiply that again for every other topic… groceries, household items, home security, finances, household maintenance tasks, vacations, weekend activities, academic growth for the kids, physical development for the kids, social and emotional development and support for the kids, medical care, hygiene, holidays, birthdays, school activities and updates, relationships with our friends and family, and on and on and on. His area of responsibilities are literally just: pack snack for the kids before school, order premade dinners and prepare them (this only happens a few days week, otherwise we go to restaurants), put one kid to bed each night (I do the other), manage the dishwasher on the weekend, take out the trash on Sunday (also only gets like halfway done), execute on maybe 1 additional task a week that I ask of him, and just be around on nights and weekends. Each of these tasks are completely brainless, I could hire someone to do them if needed. Just the fact that I can actually list out each of his responsibilities is absurd. I know most moms do most of the work, but I look at our friends, and there’s at least _something_ the husband has taken over — for mine, there’s literally nothing. Like jeez I can’t even get the typical dad stuff like kids sports off of my plate.
And it’s not just the actual tasks. I feel like I actually love and care about our kids as people more than he does. I know he does love them, but I guess not enough to actually want to be curious about them or put any of his own energy into supporting or helping them develop. And his engagement fully stops if whatever they want to do doesn’t align with his own interests. Which makes me sad for them and hope that they never notice.
I find it even harder to get over because he is himself very smart and capable — he has a phd and is founder and ceo of a small but highly technical company, so he knows very well how much energy goes into doing hard ambiguous things and actually owning and being accountable for something, and I regularly see him apply the same level of care and thinking at work that id like to see him apply at home, but he consistently does not do it. He’s never so much as made a Google query to try to try to solve a challenge we are going through with kids, let alone read a single parenting book or article. This lack of interest or care for our kids, plus lack of concern for my own overwhelm, despite knowing he’s fully capable of helping, just makes it that much more hurtful. He doesn’t care that I’m drowning. I feel like my role is in his life is to make him look good, i have built a whole family and household and financial security singlehandedly, and he gets to just come along for the ride and have wonderful relationship and memories with our incredible kids, all because of me. And the only input from his is complaining about what he has to do, trying to get more things off his plate and on to mine. He’s my household employee, not my husband.
On top of this, I work in a very high paying executive leadership role, that I keep thinking about walking away from (completely sacrificing my own very fantastic career, and to greater extent my own identity & sanity) because I’m so overwhelmed with my home life. But I know that will just make me more miserable and resent him even more.
And on a more personal note, I just find him self-centered and self-righteous. There’s almost nothing that he thinks he isn’t just naturally good at, he rarely shows any empathy for other people, he shows very little introspection or ways in which he wants to improve himself or try new things, and he thinks different rules apply to him vs others. He pats himself on the back for every good thing he does, while completely ignoring everything that I do, including every piece of my contribution to his task — for example, if he shows patience to my daughter through a tantrum, he brings it up me like he’s teaching me something, despite the fact that I do that all the f-ing time and I am the one who defined our overall parenting strategy and environment, that’s around supporting rather than punishing tantrums, because I actually read all the damn books. It’s petty and I know I should put ego aside to encourage good behavior but like wtf.
Every few weeks or months, it all builds up and I completely blow up at him, he acknowledges some of it (though doesn’t fully agree), apologies, maybe takes on the one specific task that pushed me over the edge, but still only half does it. I also am so emotional crying and upset, that I feel deeply unsatisfied after because I didn’t actually get my point across as I wanted. And most importantly, nothing actually changes long term. I know I should bring it up in the moment and approach the convo more productively, but that never goes anywhere either — he gets defensive, and honestly I’m just too hurt at this point to have it be a calm conversation, and most of the “in the moment” times are in front of our kids, who I don’t want to have to see us argue. I bring it up less and less, because after 15 years together, I know it’s not going to change so what’s the point.
Anyway I’m not really sure why I’m posting this. Just venting. I’m so frustrated and this is one of the days where I feel particularly bad. Would love to hear commiseration from others who have similar dynamics.