98 days gone
I couldn’t make it to 100 the urge was just too strong and the worse part is that I don’t feel anything. I used dumb excuses like well Daniel and Samson couldn’t resist and my faith/walk is nowhere near theirs so how can I possibly resist? I even was trying to tell myself that I missed it while I was doing it. I even said God will still love me regardless not realizing I am playing a dangerous game with my soul. The thing is is that I have been struggling with this since I was 8 or 9 I am now 26. 98 days is the longest I have gone without doing it even after taking my walk seriously when I was in college. I hate that I don’t feel anything or maybe I do. I feel like a part of me is relieved that’s it’s over the urge/torment is gone and I did what I wanted but I am not sure of that feeling. I might just be trying to talk myself out of it. You know it’s true God will provide you a way to escape bc I got a call from a family member right before I was about do it and I just turned off my phone. It’s ironic that I am still a virgin and have a strict rule of no s*x before marriage and have even cut off people bc of it. But yet I still fall into this sin. It’s like I am trying to feel sorry for myself and feel bad that I did this but I can’t. I don’t know what to feel anymore. But I do know that I cant just give into this willingly again and I can’t fall into that trap but I just wish I felt regret. Plus I moved into a new apartment and told myself I would bring that demon into my new one and I did I welcomed it I even opened the door for it and I feel like I have to start all over again. I even tried to read this subreddit to get motivation but my mind was already made up at that point I was just stalling.
Sorry for the rambling these are just my thoughts at the moment any advice will help.