First, I'd like to preface by saying that included in the first ever message I got from MIL was "go back to your country". I'm Peruvian, born and raised in Queens, NY.
Me (32F) and DH (29M) are married with two kids together. We met 2019 in SD, quickly got pregnant, and made the decision to move to his hometown in WV to be closer to his family. I'm from NYC but moving back during the pandemic didn't seem like a great idea. DH and I didn't get together under ideal circumstances so when MIL heard about me she reached out in an attempt to get me away from her son and that's when she made that comment, it's been 7 years since.
During these 7 years, we've had conflicts and drama with her. I'd like to mentioned that my husband tells me about how it was like being raised by her, not so great. From the moment I first met her I could feel how uncomfortable he was and still is around his own mother, you can literally feel it, all the time. He tries, but I know him too well.
She claims she's had a great relationship with him before he left for SD and now doesn't understand why they aren't close anymore, she blames it on me. I'm by no means perfect but I am firm and hold boundaries, she doesn't like that. She says I butt into business that I have no right butting into. If DH doesn't text for for days or calls to reach out she gets railed up and starts drama. One thing she loves to say is "You can at least text me, 'Hey b***h, you dead yet?'". I guess goes to show what she'd say to herself if she had to reach out. My DH emotional well being affects mine as well, so I do believe it's my business. I've gotten involved before but that doesn't stop her from guilt tripping DH and having complaints again, and again. She has a hard time being direct about how she's feeling and instead guilt trips him for not considering her. She'll indirectly comment about me, "don't mean to make you feel bad, don't want to get mad at," referring to me because when it comes to my husbands feelings, I don't play.
Last few times she's had complaints I've let it be and let him resolve it or get past it with her- she's exhausting. This last time around she made comments about how terrible parents we are. That got me railed up and I texted her saying that she hasn't been any better. In her moment of rage and anger she expressed how she really feels about me. I'll admit I said stuff about herself disrespectfully. Then she threw shade at my parents, but I threw shade about herself. Personally, she crossed a line so directly afterwards I crossed one back.
This was before Easter and we haven't allowed her to see the kids. She's been good to the kids and they love her but I just can't bring myself to allow her around our kids. I don't want to ever be around her and DH honestly doesnt want to either. I mentioned to his sister that I'm personally done with her but if DH wants to take kids to her he can, he hasn't wanted to.
I'd like to mentioned that I've been encouraging to DH about having a better relationship with his mother. I would tell him, "don't interrupt her,", "call her randomly,", "text her randomly,", "don't speak over her,", "act interested in what she's saying,", and he's tried but it not coming naturally from him shows how he really feels about her, and I know she feels it too, "it's my fault," though.
Nothing has been resolved nor talked about since this last drama happened. DH blocked her number but she'll still email him. The other day she randomly showed up at his job to drop off some things in the car for the kids. He happened to be outside smoking and told her he doesn't have time for all this, she said she wasn't there to talk to him just leave stuff for the kids. So she was going to just get into the car to drop things off and leave...? Ok. Again, inserting her entitled self and not caring about making things better.
A few days ago he called me saying that he saw her attempting to invite our daughter to play in Roblox, forcefully inserting herself where ever she can, so I blocked her from my daughters account. SIL found out about this and she's been understanding because she knows exactly who and how her mother is but this set her off saying that it's ridiculous and petty.
In her rage and anger she also expressed how she feels about me. She's got serious health issues and she's going through a lot so I understand she's tired of it all because this has happened all her life (she's 18 years older than DH). She knows DH and I support each other no matter what so she's done with us and claims that we're toxic for each other and blocked/unfriended us on social medias. She claims to be the ultimate empath and forgives anyone including MIL for anything because she feels for everyone but I think she's never had boundaries and wouldn't know anything about that. Her empathy got her kids taken away from her and lost all custody. She's lucky dad gives her visitation time from his own good will.
She also messaged DH and practically told him I'm the problem as well and, from what sounds like from her tone, he should get away from me. I think she feels some sort of obligation to still be in her mothers life and mad that we can't easily move on. If she's had to put up with her mom for longer and can still tolerate her why can't we? She says I put myself on this pedestal because I've got boundaries. I'm no better than anyone else, but I respect myself enough to cut off the negatively in my life. At this point MIL has pushed most people out of her life and she's only got her own daughter now.
I told DH I'm personally done with both of them and on my end it's irreparable. He agrees with me, he's down and ready to go NC forever. Heck, he's down to move away from here and start over somewhere new with our family. He is a very loving father and husband. He provides, and he's present. He has the kindest soul and he loves me immensely. I've won in life with this man, we're living our most loving, most memorable moments currently with our family. We've poured all we got into one another, he's my life partner.
I'd like to read about other opinions on this and there's much more if anyone needs for more context. But AITA for cutting off MIL and SIL for life?