I know I am a freak to most people. Especially being a girl. I'm desperate to know how normal people see this so I will be very honest. I have dealt with an embarrassing problem for years. Started in middle school. So, I think since it started when I was so young, I just never dealt with it in a mature way.
I had gas all the time. It's such a joke. And this would happen so often no one sat next to me on the bus (silent/deadly). So humiliating, day in, day out. We were also poor and lived in a house I was embarrassed by. So, this just made me feel even trashier.
No one that I tell in hopes of getting help or understanding takes it seriously. Or they think I'm overexaggerating, I guess. Doctors sent me to psych. I've been told it's more like anorexia but with smell (because I'm obsessed with smelling badly lol). Only one ever took me seriously. But it's no joke. I don't even want someone else to pass gas around me. So, for me to be doing it regularly, I just wanted to die in place. And there were times where I was so depressed I didn't bother taking care of myself as I should have. Why bother if I'll stink anyway? So, that only added to my grossness. So, I made it worse. Being someone's only child is the only thing that kept me from jumping off a bridge at times.
Anytime I got a job, I hoped I could last longer than my usual 3 months before everyone knew and I was joke. I couldn't, so I joined the military. I had to show up or go to jail (for real, I needed that much motivation to show my face anywhere). You have to earn a living. I lasted 6 years there before leaving in shame (after a stay in a psych unit).
Anyway, over time it did not get better. I'm finally eating loads of fiber (the idea of which terrified me when I was younger because it would cause gas, duh). It regulates me in a way that I can control.
All these years, I've distanced myself from family members. Before I did, they made comments here and there, their kids have (of course). Of course, coworkers, strangers, etc have too. It was traumatic for me so I distanced myself to the point of not speaking back when they speak to me in public. Not just family, old friends/old neighbors/anyone who knew me. I became avoidant in general. I only spoke when it was unavoidable. (Family then acted like I distanced because I thought I was better than them. (Due to military, college-gi bill, government job-I lasted 4 years, I guess.) So they had to humiliate me further to put me in my place. They were already doing that before so...? ) Yet, they acted like they didn't know the issue was affecting me negatively in any way or care, I guess. I guess from some angle I seemed to be doing well. I was struggling the same way the whole time.
You have some family members who know my reputation, yet they act like they don't know why I've distanced myself from others. I have told some older family members the ins and outs of this but they still seem to think I'm going to behave normally all of a sudden (come over to a get together). Or maybe judge me for having been distant. Though humiliating to write, I'm desperate to know what normal people think of this.
I'm explaining to those who have not been rude about it directly anyway. I'm explaining because I don't want them to feel like I think I'm better than them (LOL, how could I?). Or hate them. Yet, I do feel they act rather oblivious to it all. I guess, normal people can't relate to that kind of humiliation/shame. And people have their own problems/lives to deal with.
Then I'm prone to think that once I tell them, they now don't want to be associated with me if they hadn't considered all that about me. Now they know my full reputation, that I'm no one. As a normal person, would you be ashamed of me? Would you be ashamed for me to talk to you in public? I think so, and this fuels my belief that I should just leave these people alone. At least I told them why.
TLDR; There's a stinky family member (me). Some family members remark about it and laugh about it openly. No one ever addresses it or asks Stinky what's going on? Stinky is too embarrassed to bring it up herself. Stinky distances herself. Doesn't speak when you speak to her. Hasn't been around family for years. She feels guilty that she's hurt some folks and tells you her whole saga to apologize in some way.