Exhausted from repeatedly re-justifying my hospital choice to my partner — advice?
Hi there,
I'm several months pregnant with my first child (singleton pregnancy, AMA), and I've thought carefully about where to deliver, comparing NICU levels, trauma designation, and care philosophy. Two things are important to me: (1) a midwifery-led, low-intervention birth, if medically appropriate, and (2) a care team with the necessary resources available should the unexpected happen.
I chose Hospital A: it's 35 minutes from home, a large teaching hospital with a Level III NICU, Level I trauma designation, and an integrated hospital-based midwifery program with OB/MFM backup if risk increases or an emergency arises. It's also adjacent to a children's hospital with a Level IV NICU and pediatric trauma center. The facilities are older, but I've felt well cared for and comfortable with the team so far.
My partner keeps pushing for Hospital B: 20 minutes away, smaller, more boutique-feeling, in a nicer neighborhood, and with much nicer postpartum rooms. It's highly regarded and affiliated with a prestigious university system, but it has a traditional OB-led model, no midwifery program, and a Level II NICU. Hospital B has an emergency department, but I couldn't confirm whether it also has a trauma designation, and, if so, what level it might be. I understand the appeal of comfort and convenience, and Hospital B is a good hospital with a strong reputation that I'd consider for other medical needs. But for delivery, I want a midwifery/low-intervention model and the strongest emergency backup available among the reasonable choices for me. I haven't looked into Hospital B's evacuation protocols, which I'm sure exist.
My partner doesn't engage with my actual reasoning. His objections keep shifting: colleagues chose Hospital B, Hospital B has “better doctors,” my risk planning is exaggerated, … He has also nearly mocked with a friend my “lack of doctors” by choosing midwives care, painting me as almost reckless and himself as the “reasonable one” having to deal with my choice, even though the midwifery practice is embedded in the hospital, follows protocols, and escalates to physicians when indicated.
Bottom line: he reflexively distrusts midwives, Hospital A, and my care decisions, despite there being no concrete problem with the care I've received. He's confused midwives with doulas, seems reassured by prestigious credentials more than by the care model, and keeps reopening a decision I made thoughtfully. He has no personal experience with Hospital B and hasn't taken any concrete steps toward it himself. He's only questioning my choice and pushing for a transfer of care. I even arranged a second opinion at Hospital B on something I didn't think I needed, just to get some peace of mind. The same protocol he criticized at Hospital A was also used at Hospital B, yet drew zero criticism there. I'm noticing a strong negative reaction building toward anything related to Hospital B, which isn't where I want to be.
I'm drained, and the situation is now affecting my sleep, well-being, and productivity at work. I don't have the bandwidth to keep re-litigating this. How have others handled a partner who won't let a decision — especially one about your own body and care — stay decided? And has anyone dealt with a partner who reflexively distrusts their care team regardless of the facts? How did you handle that pattern?
Thank you