Husband blew up at me and scared me. Unsure how to fix feelings towards him.
I (23F) and husband (29M) have been married for a year, together for two before we got married. I genuinely think I won the lottery with him and feel inspired to be a better person and a better wife every day. I take complaints he gives me or things I should work on seriously and I think most of the time he does too.
A few days ago, we got into...not quite a fight but certainly a discussion. He was very passionate and stating I do not listen to him. I tried to bring up the points I did as previously he's said he wants specific examples. Granted in the past, I struggle to recall specific examples to give him whenever we get into these "fights" so I have worked on it. But when I brought up the past argument we had and how he said he was struggling and stressed out and hasn't had an outlet for his anger, I decided to relax on my complaints and things I could let go of, and he got mad saying I keep "bringing up old, resolved problems." At this point I just got quiet and he went on a long rant basically about how he feels I don't listen to him and he's frustrated before saying "I give up." I took our dog outside and said I was going to take a bath when I got back in and was there anything else he wanted to say. He basically began repeating himself before I pushed back because I didn't agree with what he was saying before he began to slam his fist against the coffee table mutilple times and yell at me, swearing as he tried to get his point across and it was just very loud and scary.
He's never been like this before and I can't stress how much it felt like I was looking at a stranger. Our dog got upset, I got upset and it was just very strange. Like even his eyes seemed to get really wide and intense and his face was super red. In the last discussion we had, he mentioned the not having an outlet for anger and it seems more evident now maybe that's something he needs?
In the past I've suggested he see a therapist and offered to help but not push since I know that's sensitive. I was thinking maybe we'd need couples therapy but he's already said before he doesnt think therapy is helpful.
I am really struggling with feeling close. Yesterday he bought flowers and stuff and apologized. He said seeing me that upset (I felt very panicky and wanted to leave to my mother's and Ive been dealing with a recent heart issue and I was just shaking and sitting on the bed and crying and didn't want to talk to him). I just keep remembering how he said he wasnt going to apologize for what he did because he felt it justified and then the next day he says otherwise because he hadn't eaten since our fight.
It's hard to look at him. I don't want to touch or interact with him and it feels weird. He's supposed to be my best friend and I just don't know how to get myself to act normal around him. It's just scary. HE was scary when he blew up at me. I cant tell if I'm making this more than it is. I dont know the time table on feeling better. Like I want to be with him but its like ever since I feel almost sick. Has anyone ever dealt with this? How do you get through it?
I have apologized, I told him we'll do what he wants and I won't push or ask tons of questions or bring up things in the past as well. I'm not trying to say I wasn't wrong. Honestly I just want to fix whatever is making me not want to be close.