I can't stand how fake people are in the church
This text out of the blue from the missionaries reminded me again of what lead to me letting myself leave the church after being PIMO for a long time. Long post about my story but in short I hate when church leaders and missionaries tout this idea of 'loving' every member when they don't even know you. Pisses me off and it's just kind of weird.
I stopped going to church a year and a half ago. I was attending a single's branch in a small town and there were around 50-60 people in attendance each week. I was quiet and kept to myself. I would attend first hour and then go home. Didn't go to any activities, I knew who people were in the branch but none were my friends. I . For context I'm in my late 20s and served a mission, etc. did all the things except get married - I am gay (still closeted yay).
I was called to be the branch clerk. I would shake the branch president's hand each week after sacrament meeting and he would say "don't have anything for you this week" or tell me what he needed. It was so transactional, so not personal and I felt that way for a while.
I served in that calling for 2 years maybe and then the branch president asked me one day why I had moved into the area in the first place (I'm not from here). The person I interacted with the most, who stood on the pulpit and declared how much he "loved each and every one of" us couldn't remember the one single basic thing about me... I was already PIMO but this was the last straw for some reason. It has always irked me when church leaders get up and say they love me when they barely know me, I hate it.
It was just this slap in the face. Here I was, agonizing in my personal life wanting to commit suicide because of how the church made me feel about being gay. Meanwhile, I am just the little servant meant to report attendance numbers and cut checks for other members who need help... if this man I spoke with each week was 'called' and 'held the keys' or whatever for our area, how could he not see that I needed help? That I wasn't ok?
Anyway, I'm doing better mentally now but it doesn't help when random people I don't know from a life I've CLEARLY left behind are reaching out saying they're thinking about me lol. Still haven't come out to anyone yet and can't bring myself to do it. Feels like I've just traded in being closeted in the church for being closeted outside the church. My family still has no idea I don't go to church let alone that I'm gay so that's also fun.