Felt like crying so just thought to post here
I'm 21F. Around 3–4 months ago, my boyfriend (21M) and I broke up after being together for 3 years.
Last year, we were living in a different city for our studies. Everything was fine. Yes, we were struggling a bit with our studies, but we were trying our best. We had our first physical relationship there as well. Overall, things felt normal. Like every couple, we argued sometimes, but nothing unusual.
When we came back to our hometown, things slowly started changing. The man who never wanted to leave me alone started choosing his friends over me. He would leave me alone in the library and refuse to go anywhere with me, even for half an hour. He became irritated by every small thing. He started making me feel like I was the villain and that everything bad happening between us was somehow my fault.
I stopped bringing up topics that I thought he didn't like, but even a small mention of them would make him angry. Then I found out that he had been messaging porn-related girls on Reddit. He thought I didn't know how to use the app. That discovery completely broke me, and I cried a lot.
Later, I also found out that while we were living in the other city, he had hidden some things from me. For example, I had clearly told him that I wasn't comfortable with him letting his friend and his friend's girlfriend use his room because I didn't like the idea of other people sharing the same bed. To me, it was partly about hygiene and partly about boundaries. He did it anyway and hid it from me until recently.
When he finally told me, all the beautiful memories from that city felt ruined. I cried that day too.
Then he told me that he didn't like me anymore and wanted to break up. I cried and begged him to stay for more than a month. Eventually, I decided to block him because he wasn't willing to work on the relationship. But every time I tried, he would call me, ask to meet, and somehow pull me back into talking to him again.
Now we still talk, but more like strangers. Whenever I try to discuss our relationship, he tells me not to start it again and says we'll talk about it after our exam, which is in about 20 days.
I'm waiting for those exams to end because my mind is exhausted from constantly overthinking everything. The confusing part is that he keeps giving mixed signals. Sometimes he says he'll try to work on our relationship. Other times he says he enjoys the peace of being single.
What hurts the most is that he never seems to think about how his words and actions affect me. I used to cry every day. Now I can control my tears, but not my emotions.
I still love him and I don't want to lose him, but I feel completely helpless. He has all the control over whether this relationship continues or not. Meanwhile, all I'm doing is accepting whatever suits him.