u/Cute-Category-4738

I’m in a really confusing place emotionally and I’m curious if anyone who’s reconciled after separation has dealt with something similar.

My wife and I started the divorce process a while back. During that time she told me things that honestly crushed me, including that she wasn’t attracted to me anymore and that she loved me but wasn’t in love with me. Those conversations left a deep hurt and a lost of trust, I’ve been struggling to move past it.

She also told me she was conflicted. She said she’s happy she moved out, but also sad and homesick, and that she didn’t know if she missed me and our marriage or if she just missed me because I’m her “comfort person”.

A few weeks later she came over and asked if we could pause the paperwork and start trying to fix things.

Since then she’s been spending nights at my house, cuddling with me, kissing me, helping with the kids, helping around the house, she went grocery shopping for me the other day, and generally being a huge support while I’ve been overwhelmed with work and parenting.

What’s making this so confusing is that when we’re together, things often feel better than they have in years. We laugh together, enjoy each other’s company, and there are moments where it genuinely feels like we’re finding our way back to each other.

But at the same time, I still struggle with the things she said during the separation. Even though her behavior now feels affectionate and caring, it’s hard for me to fully trust it after hearing things that hurt so deeply.

Part of me looks at her actions and thinks maybe we’re rebuilding something real. Another part of me remembers those conversations and wonders if I’m setting myself up to get hurt again.

We also haven’t had anymore conversations about what we’re doing exactly, the last time I brought it up she just told me we’re taking it day by day. I’m fine with that but I do eventually need some clarification on exactly what we’re doing, and what boundaries and expectations we have moving forward.

I’d really appreciate some advice.

So my STBXW came over for dinner last week after I got the kids to bed. We ate, talked for a while, and at one point she laid in my lap and told me she thought we should pause finalizing the divorce and possibly try again.

Since then, I’ve been inviting her over for dinners and she’s spent a few nights here. Honestly, it’s been really nice. After the kids go to bed we usually just talk, cuddle, and spend time together. In a lot of ways it feels like our relationship did a few years ago before things became unhealthy between us.

At the same time, I’m left with this weird mix of hope and uncertainty.

I told her that if we ever seriously try again, I need clear communication, boundaries, and expectations from both of us going forward. The problem is we really haven’t had any deeper conversations since that first night about where either of us actually stands emotionally.

Part of me feels hopeful that maybe we really could build a healthier marriage over time. But another part of me is scared I’m walking myself into getting hurt even worse.

I did make one boundary clear early on. I told her I don’t want her just moving back in right away. If we ever did rebuild things, I’d want it to happen slowly and intentionally, probably when I move into my bigger house in 3–6 months.

Right now I’ve been trying to keep everything slow and low pressure. Most of our “dates” are honestly just dinners at my place with the kids, then hanging out together after they go to bed. I’m not chasing her or pressuring her for answers. For example, last night after dinner I told her if she wanted to go relax at her place and play games she shouldn’t feel bad about it, and she did leave for a while. But then she came back around 2am and slept here.

I feel really conflicted at the moment because the connection between us feels real, but there’s still almost no actual communication about what we’re doing or where this is going. 

Has anyone else gone through something similar during separation/divorce?

So basically, my STBXW was at my house while I was at work. I got done earlier than expected, so I figured we’d just finish up some divorce paperwork and she’d head out, but we ended up delaying that a bit because of some logistics we still needed to figure out.

Fast forward to later. I was on the couch kind of drifting in and out of sleep. I opened my eyes and she was standing in front of me with a blanket. I assumed she was going to put it over me so I could rest, but instead she wrapped herself in it and laid down on my lap.

I felt awkward at first and stood up, and she told me if I didn’t want her to lay on me that was okay. I ended up saying I was fine with it, so I sat back down and let her. It felt very familiar and comforting, but also strange given everything going on. After a while it honestly felt like I could breathe easier just having her there.

After she left, I sat with it for a bit and reflected. I’ve actually been doing really well lately I’ve been reconnecting with friends and family, working out, staying sober, and I just found out about a really good business opportunity. I’m also planning a couple solo trips this summer. For the first time in a while I feel like I’m building a life that’s mine again.

Because of that, I’m not even sure I “need” her in my life in the same way anymore. But I also don’t know if I’m completely closed off to seeing whether she fits into this new version of my life in a healthier way.

During that moment on the couch, I asked her if she wanted to come over for dinner tonight after the kids are asleep, and she said yes. I also told her she could stay over if she wanted, and she agreed to that too.

My plan for tonight is just to make a nice dinner and have a simple, normal evening—good conversation and maybe a movie. I’m not trying to jump back into anything or force a relationship conversation. I just want to see if there’s still space for her in my life in a healthier way, and whether that even exists for either of us.

For context, she’s been mentioning lately that she could stay over some nights to help with the kids in the morning, and I’ve been saying no because everything is still very fresh and after the kids go to bed it would just be us sitting together for a few hours. Today just felt different for whatever reason. So I felt like asking her out on a “date” I guess.

I don’t know if I’m being stupid or just reacting emotionally, but I’m trying to be honest about what I’m feeling while also not losing the progress I’ve been making on myself.

My ex-wife and I are currently going through a separation and potentially heading toward divorce. Things have been really emotionally up and down, and I’m trying to figure out how to handle everything in a healthy way.

A couple days ago she was checking in asking if I was upset. I told her I’m not trying to be angry, I’m just really hurt and needed some space.

We didn’t talk much for about two days, then yesterday we started talking again lightly. At one point she said it was nice talking to me and that I seem better.

I told her I still have moments where I’m angry and confused, but I’m trying not to be toxic because she’s still the mother of my children.

She then told me she’s sorry for how everything went down, that she wishes she handled things better, and that all she can do now is try to do better moving forward.

The conversation continued and I told her that I still care about “us” and our family, but I needed to be clear that if we go through with the divorce, I can’t be in a situation where we separate and later try to come back together. For me, that kind of back-and-forth would make it impossible to move on emotionally.

I also said that if there’s any real chance of saving the marriage, it would require both of us actively trying now—things like individual therapy, honest communication, and actually working on ourselves. If that’s something she also wants, I’m willing to try. If not, I’ll accept it and move forward.

She told me she’s been going back and forth on what she wants, and even though she’s felt happier since moving out, she’s still conflicted about whether leaving was the right choice. She also said it’s been weird not talking to me normally and that she still wants to call me about random things.

I told her I feel the same—that I miss being able to talk to her—but I can’t have that kind of “best friend” relationship if we’re fully done, because it would make it really hard for me to move on. I said it honestly breaks my heart.

We agreed to talk in person tonight.

My plan is to just listen, not argue or pressure her, and try to understand where she’s at. At the same time, I also want to be heard, and I want to see if there is any real mutual willingness to try to work on things.

I’m just really confused and emotionally torn between trying to save the marriage and accepting that it’s over.

Looking for honest outside perspective on how this situation sounds and how I should approach tonight.

I’m not okay right now.

I’m angry. I’m hurt. And I feel completely blindsided by how fast my life changed.

I hate what this has done to my family.

I hate that I’m the one left picking up the pieces of something I genuinely believed we were still trying to fix.

I hate seeing my kids cry for their mom at night.

And I hate how much I still want to tell her everything in my life good news, business growth, opportunities I was building for us when it feels like I’ve been emotionally shut out for a long time.

All I wanted was a real attempt to fix things. Therapy. Counseling. Honest communication. A real effort from both of us instead of letting things quietly fall apart in the background.

I did my part. I changed things. I pushed through my anxiety. I worked more, harder, longer. I tripled my income in a job I don’t even enjoy so we could be stable and so she could keep doing work she loves and build her future.

The one thing I needed in return was simple: clear communication when something was wrong so we could actually address it together.

That never really happened.

Instead I was told things were fine. That we were doing good. And I believed it.

Now I’m trying to understand how it went from “we’re doing great” to this in such a short time.

We’re not even two weeks into the separation and everything is already moving fast paperwork, she’s moved out, we’re splitting a life I thought we were still trying to hold together.

And I’m the one left carrying the emotional weight of it while still trying to show up for my kids.

That part is what’s breaking me.

My oldest is struggling. He’s crying. He doesn’t understand why this is happening. And I’m the one holding him through it at night while trying not to fall apart myself.

I feel angry because I don’t feel like I got a real chance to fix anything before it was already over.

I feel hurt because I didn’t want my kids to go through this.

And I feel lost because I still don’t understand how we got from where we were to this.

Right now I’m just trying to function. Work. Kids. Life. Day by day.

But emotionally, I’m not okay.

I’m angry, I’m grieving, and I’m trying not to let that turn into something destructive.

So we talked and figured out what things will look like moving forward with the kids.

The children will primarily be staying with me, and I’ll be handling the day to day responsibilities. diapers, wipes, school, doctor appointments, groceries for the kids and I, etc.

My ex will be moving out. She originally wanted to wait a couple of months, but after discussing it, she’ll be fully moved out tomorrow. She’s currently going to a small rented room.

For the kids, we’re trying to keep things as stable as possible. On the mornings I work, she will come over to watch them, and she will leave when I get home. The goal is to minimize disruption for them while we transition.

We also agreed that I will likely be the primary parent going forward, and we’re trying to keep things as cooperative and low-conflict as possible.

She is taking a few belongings and our shared vehicle, so I will need to get a loan for a replacement car this week.

We are splitting most shared bills 50/50, except for our separate rent situations.

I’m honestly pretty overwhelmed and confused, but I’m trying to stay grounded and be stable for my kids. I’m also staying completely sober through this (I used to occasionally smoke weed, but I’ve stopped entirely for now).

I do feel like I need to speak with a lawyer soon to make sure everything is properly documented before anything is finalized.

But she feels like we can just sign the papers even if I don’t need a lawyer I want our agreements with the kids on paper so things stay stable I don’t want things to change in a few years.

I’ve never been through a divorce or custody process before, so any advice on what I should be doing or watching out for would really help right now.

I’ve known something felt off for about a year, and a few nights ago I finally asked her if she even liked me anymore. She couldn’t really say yes, and that led into a hard conversation where she told me she wants out because she’s not attracted to me anymore.

From my side, nothing major has changed. I’ve always tried to be emotionally open, present, and there for her and our two kids. She did say I’m a great dad, a great husband, and a great friend, but she doesn’t see us in a romantic relationship anymore.

Yesterday she flat out said she wants a divorce.

I asked if we could try to work on things—take pressure off, even just start dating again and rebuild slowly—but she said no and that she doesn’t want to work on us.

We’re both 26 and have been together for 10 years. We have two amazing kids. My parents have offered me and the kids three bedrooms to stay in starting at the end of May, so I do have a place lined up if I need it.

She’s been acting like things are normal around the house, but I can’t really pretend that they are. I’m not angry with her. She doesn’t really have anyone else outside of me and my family, and she was worried people would hate her. I just held her while she cried and told her nobody hates her and that she’s loved.

I also told her I love her and that she will always have a place in my life, whatever that ends up looking like.

Sorry if this is all over the place—I’m having a really hard time right now