u/Cute-House7945

So I had a baby near the end of last year with my bf, who I started dating a few years ago. I love him and our baby. I love the life we have built but I feel like there is something wrong. Like I feel like I made the wrong choice somewhere in life and now I have ended up here. Not that “here” is bad but that “here” isn’t the life I imagined living. I’m only 20 and I feel so stuck. I know I have PPD but it’s more than that. I’ve been thinking about my relationship and how much we have grown to love and learn about each other but I feel like the spark that was there is no longer active but I love him and I don’t want to hurt him. My bf and I are very comfortable around each other. I love the idea of marrying him and recently there have been things that I think about like “this is how it will forever be if I stay” “I won’t be able to finish or feel satisfied by him” although I would never cheat on him for that and any reason. I’m not sexually attracted to anyone else or anyone for that matter. I’ve been feeling very disconnected and lonely. We don’t really talk or at least I feel like I don’t talk much. I’ve felt like this before earlier in the relationship but I ended up feeling better and found solutions. But now I feel different physically and emotionally…and mentally and I just want to leave without having to feel bad and like hoping that everything would just pause. Obviously that’s not how life works and I need to find a good therapist to help me work through this. I just needed to get it out and dump my mind somewhere before I explode. I love my baby but I wish I had more breaks and I felt lighter. There have been times where I wish I lived life before I had him. My hair is so damaged from getting yanked by his mighty little hands. It’s driving me insane. I value my sleep so much I would get so much sleep before I had him and now even a normal 8-9 hour night; I still feel like I got hit by a train. My arms are so tried and maybe it’s because my diet is messed up right now but I feel like I have no muscle. I’m strong yet so weak. I want to get back to exercising but I am too tired to do full workouts. I love my body and how strong I am but I wish I looked better/different. My family is so annoying yet so supportive and fucked up in every way which makes me daydream about not having any background and being a person who looks like they don’t have parents/family but in reality they actually had the best unbelievably amazing parents ever. Im honestly not sure where else to go on with this but yeah. Goodnight everyone.